Spectacular

I admit, it’s been a minute.

I’m working on two books at once, and between that and some personal changes, I haven’t been my usual witty, controversial yet logical self of late.

I was chatting with a dear friend earlier today, however, who sent me a link to a video featuring a young lady talking about having an unprotected sexual one night stand with some unknown guy after getting drunk at a bar. You’ve all heard of this, I’m sure. Supposedly, women are up in arms about the message this presents, especially to young girls.

I am not surprised by the popularity of the song.

What surprises me is the target audience, twenty something young women.

I know a lot of women. My younger female friends, by and large, are not jaded. Yet. They still believe in love and for the most part, want the house, hubby and two point five children. They still think sex matters and counts for something. Many of them are afraid of pregnancy, which they feel will upset their career goals. There are exceptions, but by and large, the unmarried women thirty and under that I know are more concerned with relationships than stuff like that. They have situations like this in their past and many regret them.

No, I am surprised the target was not middle aged women.

My friend, who is a middle aged woman, asked for my comments on the video. Bear in mind my libido is in overdrive these days, and Erykah Badu’s new video isn’t helping that any. I attempted to objectively watch the YouTube clip and process what I was seeing and hearing. It was a struggle.

Crass? Sure.

Over the top? Definitely.

Real? Especially for some of the older women that I know? Yup.

Keeping it real? I know too many women who've done what the young woman (I forget her name) spends a few minutes sharing in song. If that’s singing. . I've overheard these conversations. OK, from a public relatins standpoint, yes, it’s bad and slutty and irresponsible. You can argue it sets a bad influence or that it is empowering because women are being open about their sexuality.

All that aside, ask yourself: Is it real?


I have often written of my disdain for those of us who take a stand against something in public we know damn well we do in private. It’s like criticizing Black men for dating outside of their race while quietly admitting to your girlfriends that you would date a white man if he made you happy. I am not alone in having overheard or directly engaged in conversations where grown women have made it clear they enjoy one night stands and they are only interested in the sex being outstanding. I mean, let's be honest: this happens.

Many have made it clear that doggone it, sometimes, that one night stand, that face down behind up smack me while bent over and blow my mind I hope I never see you again" encounter was an awesome sexual experience. This may bother some insecure men. I am sure it annoys prudish women who want to pretend only loser prostitute sluts engaging that engage in this behavior. Sorry, that’s not what I’m hearing.

More and more Black women are saying, "To heck with love. Do the devil out of me and leave me alone unless you're gonna do me the same way again." I cleaned up the language that I used in the rough draft for that last line. You can imagine what I’ve heard, espescially over a couple of vodka tonics.

And condoms? Please. Male admission here: I know way too many women who have shared, "My tubes are tied and I don't like condoms" They are more concerned with pregnancy and feeling than the safety of their health.

As a sidebar, I wonder if one of the biggest fallacies is this idea that AIDS is affecting middle aged Black women at its current rate because of men on the down low. That is convenient, but based on what is happening in society, I question whether that is wholly accurate. Again. Many women in this age group have been disappointed by love and relationships with men. But sex? They like sex. The risks associated with this behavior are common knowledge, but it isn’t stopping some of them.


My buddy Flatbush told me years ago the most sexually adventurous an women were those ranging from thirty five to fifty who were divorced mothers just looking for a good time. I used to argue him up and down, but dog that he is, he has the experience to back up his claim. As I grow older, I find myself in agreement. Women like my young friend Blip enjoy sex but are scared of it because they don't want babies without the husband. Many of her older counterparts? They will tell you, they have been married and regard it as a farce. They have been hurt in relationship after relationship and have decided men are too much of a headache and good for one thing. To hell with a relationship. Let's do it, and if it’s no good, move on. I was thinking recently any man who was lacking in activity need only hang outside of divorce court or these relationship conferences with titles like, “Move On, Girl…Just Get Yours in the Interim!” The stories I have heard are not filled with coy innuendo but with frank invitations to have intercourse, but intercourse only.

If so many people are living it, what is the deal with the song?

I'm helping a friend of a friend by proofreading some of her graduate research. My friend Bernadette shared with me the other day the lady I am helping, Janine, commented just the other day, "JD’s voice is sexy. Give him my number. What does he look like?" Strange twist, but it turns out that Janine worked for me some years back. When Bernadette reminded her friend of this, Janine remembered me and commented, "Oh, he's handsome. He and I should hang out this summer." Bern, well acquainted with my current state of mind, explained to Janine that I really was not looking to get involved with anyone. Janine’s response? "Girl, I said ‘hang out’. Read between the lines. What I need with a boyfriend? Tell him to call me."

Bernadette is fifty one. Janine a few years her senior, and quite attractive. Frankly, I’m scared.

I think about that video. Too many younger men think they are getting over, but some women are out there are running game. They want the physical interaction, the stuff the young lady described in her song, the things they read about or dreamt of that either they were afraid to ask their husbands for or hubby just wouldn’t do. They are tired of being heartbroken and have resigned themselves to the idea that physical happiness is about what there is, and that’s OK. This is what I am hearing. This is what the young woman is singing. Why all of the fuss? These aren’t twenty something floozies. These are grown women with educations, great jobs, families, and a new set of expectations: No, we’re not going to the movies. No, I can buy my own dinner, thank you. Depending on the situation, I really do not care about your marital status. We’re hooking up. What do I expect from you? Intensity. Oh, and please, please please do not get attached, because your purpose in this situation is not to love or be loved. It is what it is. That sounds harsh? If I’m wrong, what is the cougar mentality all about? Playing house?


Why are grown women mad about this song and its video yet signing up for The Naughty Room on Facebook and sharing their escapades with an almost religious dedication?

The question isn’t whether young women will be influenced by this silly drivel that passes for music. Mothers are a far better example to their daughters than some recording artist who doesn’t know them from Eve. The real question: Is this behavior a reality not just for some of the young women who supposedly will be influenced, but also for the adult women in their lives whose actions and opinions hold way more weight?