Family Drama

I loved Greek mythology as a child.


Before my foray into comic books, my mother, from an early age, had me reading the tales of Apollo, Hercules, Athena, Aphrodite and the three muses. I learned about Cerberus, the two headed dog that guarded Hell. The story of Jason and the Argonauts Perseus and Icarus, the boy who escaped prison on wings fashioned of feathers and wax, who flew to close to the sun and plummeted to his death.


Myths were once valuable means of explaining the “whys” of our life, and while I never viewed these characters as deities, I was quick to recognize they were the first superheroes.


Anxiously awaiting the remake of “Clash of the Titans”, I boned up on my mythology again, and realized not only were the gods of Olympus the first superheroes, here to explain how life works, they were also the first dysfunctional family.


I learned that immortality ain’t all its cracked up to be. Hades, lord of the underworld, drew the short straw and was sent to run the world of the dead while his brothers, Poseidon and Zeus, got the oceans and the Heavens, respectively. Talk about some oldest child resentment.


“Dude! I got the sky!”


“I drew the sea!”


“Dammit, Momma always DID like ya’ll best…”


Hades had such a lousy time that he seldom visited Olympus, where the gods kept primary residence. Kinda like Uncle Rico refusing to come to Grandma’s every Christmas unless someone begs him the day before hand. He is still mad Junior and Cleophus got to go away to Hampton, but no one pushed his aspirations to play semi-pro ball.


The only people who came to visit him were his successful nieces and nephews, probably to talk about their dads and commiserate with Uncle H about how lousy life as a god could be.


Hades is probably still ruing to this day the fact that he fought so hard on his family’s side to overthrow the Titans, only to have his baby brother installed as head of the family and king of the gods. Can anyone say, “Fredo?”


Even his woman, Persephone, realized, “man, this world of the dead place is SO depressing. I’m up, Baby.” They worked out an arrangement where, through trickery, she had to stay with him for a part of every year. Something tells me they slept in separate quarters.


Zeus, king of the gods, had his own issues.


First, he married his sister. Ewww.


Second, he fathered about forty kids. That’s four-zero.


Only four were by his sister and queen, Hera. He probably caught the “eww” factor early and decided to spread himself around.


Compare this to modern relationships, where some men have an “outside” child or two by a woman other than their wife.


Multiply that several times over.


Hera has been criticized for centuries as something that rhymes with “witch”. I’m on her side.


A little infidelity is bad enough. How do you justify 40 kids? Doesn’t matter that he claims them, do you realize what child support must be like for 36 kids? Zeus makes NBA players look like amateurs.


My buddy and I were laughing about how Zeus eventually had to visit some of his baby mommas as a shower of gold, or wind, or thunder. You think?


Dude was MARRIED. Hera was a known baby momma stalker. Can you blame her? Castration of a god is on record. So is sexual member regeneration. What else was she to do?


Hera did her best to off some of Zeus’ kids, and adding insult to injury, he made a few of them Olympian gods. Ladies, how would you like seeing the sun come up every morning and roll over, groaning, “There goes that bastard son of my husband’s streaking across the sky in his latest birthday present from daddy. Whoopt-dee-doo!”


Zeus further angered his long-suffering wife by crossing the line and engaging in an act women have safely regarded as their since the beginning of time.


Deciding he wanted a child, Zeus conceived one within himself. He had relations with a goddess, swallowed her to keep her from conceiving (please…don’t go there…I’m already laughing) and nine months later, Zeus bore his daughter, Athena, goddess of war, after a splitting headache. She became his favorite child.


Great. Double whammy. Now when his wife complains she doesn’t want to be intimate because of a headache, he can regale her with tales of how he bore a child with a splitting headache, so what’s the fuss? Worse, the female concept of “my child” is long gone. Zeus could pat Lil Thena on the head after a good report card, look around, smirk and exclaim, “That’s MY child”, and dare some woman to take credit. A marital counselor would have a field day with this one. It’s a wonder Hera wasn’t comatose from antidepressants every morning.


The typical dysfunctional guy, Zeus eventually gets into it with his brother Poseidon, god of the sea. Over a woman. Go figure. Both of them want to sleep with Thetis, a lesser goddess. She has no say in the matter. Zeus decides to back off when it is prophesied any child born of Thetis will become mightier than his father. Never one to employ birth control, Zeus decides it’s best to marry this goddess off to some dumb mortal. Quickly.


Well, turns out that Peleus, the mortal Zeus chose, got the nod. If I had been Peleus, knowing all of the shenanigans happening on Olympus, I would have said, “No. Ya’ll keep too much drama going. Leave me out.” Marrying a goddess has its perks, though. It is my understanding they are inexhaustible, and face it, men are stupid.


All of the gods are invited to the wedding but Cousin Eris. The goddess of family drama. Go figure.


Mad she was dissed, Eris drops by with a gift, a golden apple meant for the most beautiful woman there. In this family? Wow.


Zeus, knowing women and drama, thinks he is removing the problem from his house when he tells the angry women in his family the judge for who gets the apple will be Paris, the prince of Troy. Athena offered to make Paris a general. General equals war equals death. Hera offered him a larger kingdom. Kingdom equals work equals stress equals death. Aphrodite, goddess of beauty?


“Dude, I’ll get you the most beautiful babe out there.”


Beautiful woman equals lotsa sex equals death with a smile. Told you men are stupid.


Oh, by the way: Helen was married. Paris was too. The gods were a sneaky bunch.


This touched off one of the biggest wars in history. Zeus then figured all of this child support was affecting his retirement income. Plus, Hera was looking at half. And all those damn kids…he decides none of the gods can participate in the Trojan War, but has no problem sending a bunch of his mortal kids to get whacked. Midway through, while Achilles is wrecking shop, Zeus changes his mind, but it’s too late. Child support eliminated, along with several former bundles of joy. The mortal mothers are still waiting for their day in court.


Lately, pixilated video of folk with names like “Sun God” and “God of War” have been popping up on daytime talk, voices distorted, making claims like, “Well, it was nice, having a father who was king of the gods and all…but we really didn’t get much time with him. It would have been better if he just played catch with us or something. He was always gone on these business trips, and every time we turned around, there was a new baby brother or sister.” It’s sad to watch a god cry on national television.


Drama is not limited to us mere mortals.


Next on Maury: Olympians and what ails them.



When you compare our lives to this, we really have it pretty good, no?