Coming to a Country Near You

My buddy Mark and I have had an understanding since college. The day would come when I would take over some small country in need of a dictator, set up a bunch of my friends in plush government positions, and then place myself under house arrest in my mansion while one of my guys takes over.

It could happen.

Mark hit me up on Facebook this morning. Apparently, the lousy economy and the onset of another Chicago winter has Mark rethinking this undergraduate fantasy.

“Look,” Mark started, “There is an absence of real leadership in so many countries. This could be our chance to get paid. We’re gonna need a twist, though. Instead of you running the show, you’re gonna need a front man.”

“Excuse me. This was my idea. Why am I going to need a front man?” I was picturing myself posing for my presidential portrait, Ruqayyah, Katherine and J smiling around me, my dogs being still and obedient for once.

“So you can pull the puppet strings. Shadow governing is where it’s at. Who wants to be the figurehead? Be the man behind the man. Be like Don King with Mike Tyson. Only you don't your dummy say whatever he wants.”

I though about that for a bit. Man, this thing has promise.

“Our issue,” Mark continued, “is who is ripe for takeover?”

“Oh,” I responded, “We’re destabilizing governments in the name of democracy and profit all over the place. It’s a big planet. Choose somewhere. Do some research?” Then I added a caveat. “I wanna live somewhere the seasons change.”

“Done.”

“I can’t do hot year round. I can’t lead the place less it’s full of Black folk and we act a fool when it’s hot. Plus, I like to wear blazers. Hot is out.”

Mark mused, “How about the middle east? Like, near Afghanistan, but not quite?”

“Hell naw. For a variety of reasons.”

“You may be right J. Plus, we need someplace where they got babes. Hard to figure your babe factor if you’re covered up.”

“You’re the only one who needs to worry about babes. I got mine. You know what, though? My lady has nice legs. First act as president, I’ll outlaw long skirts and slacks.”

“Good, I need to see some ankle. Maybe some ankle and shin. Bhurkas are out, and we’re just taking over the government and looting the country. We don’t want any social upheaval. OK. Rule Number One: No national dress code except the elimination of long skirts and slacks. The nakeder the better.”

“Ok. Should keep my enemies busy. Oh, we’ll allow jeans, too. Sistas can wear hell outta some jeans. Now, look, Mark, I want us to be open to capitalism. I need some World Bank loans to finance my extensive Archie comic collection.”

“What the hell? What kind of militant Black leader reads...forget it...Again, if we go north of Afghanistan, the United States could pay us off to use the country as a point of easy interest. They invade, bomb the place, and by the time they're done, we're rich and can leave just before they pull out.”

“Naw. I don’t trust DC. Just our luck they pull out midway through our looting. This is like any other investment. It has to be for the long haul to really pay off. Plus, I don't want the Afghanis mad at me. They almost as tough as the Israelis.”

I heard Mark punching calculator buttons. “They won't know. You're just the Minister of Information, remember? Don’t forget the plan. The fall guy will take the blame. The rest of us are just victims of a corrupt dictatorship.”

“Man, don’t bet on it. The Afghanis know all. They’re scarier than the Mafia. Is there anywhere in the Mediterranean we can take over?”

“Perhaps.”

“That’s probably safer. Sounds better. Plus the food is really good.”

“Ok, that’s fair, but the Mediterranean doesn’t offer extensive desirable natural resources that China can exploit.”

“You’re right, Mark…I wanna be cool with the Chinese, too.”

“You think? Hmmm…what gave that away? Them becoming THE world economic power?”

“There’s that. Plus, they can show us how to counterfeit stuff. It’s all about the bottom line, baby.”

“Damn good idea, McCallum.”

“Seven years of college homey. I can count! Also, I need a side hustle for my lady while my kids are in expensive European boarding schools. I want the Red Cross to name her like, nicest lady or something. She looks good in red and white. Now comes the hard part. We need someone dumb enough to be our puppet.”

“Hmmm…We need natural resources, trade alliances with world powers, some IMF loot and a World bank loan, and most importantly, a dumb puppet…Is W available?”

"Who's Minister of Defense? I want someone hard ass. The Moshe Dayan of the Afro people. I know this sista I used to date who could hold it down. I was gonna name my boy Tyrone, he crazy. See, then I figured he could be assistant minister. He'd wanna nuke folk over nothing. My minister will be more laid back, but when we met with foreign governments, if they tried to get hard, we could give them a choice: negotiate with Ty or someone more reasonable."

"First, we need a puppet for president. I'm happy you wanna nuke the world we intend to exploit. Maybe later."

“Honestly, Mark, I was thinking Flatbush would be good.”

“I gave that some thought, but Flat only plays dumb.”

“You talked to him lately?”

“Think about it. You can't hustle for as long as he has and be completely stupid.”

“Again, have you actually talked to him lately? He’s getting worse. True. He wants Black folk to now refer to themselves as ‘Afliens’. Not getting caught that often don't make you a genius. We can handle him.”

“No, but not getting caught makes you smart enough to know when someone is trying to play you. Actually, I was thinking Irwin.”

“Irwin is a small town politician with a struggling law practice…”

“He’d be good. More money, less accountability. He probably needs a break from being responsible. Plus, the rumor is he walked his last client to Death Row talking some, ‘It ain’t that bad…just a prick and then you fall asleep.’ No, we put Flatbush in charge of trade negotiations. Exploit him for what he's good at. Irwin will jump at the chance to be in charge of something and make a decent buck.”

“Eventually, though, when either the revolution comes or other governments get involved, they’re gonna execute our puppet. I like Irwin.”

“We’ll have Irwin deposed in a friendly coup. He will be succeeded by Flat. Flat will be executed. We’ll openly support amnesty for him from exile but in reality we’ll push for death. The slower the better.”

“That’s harsh, Mark. It’s been ten years.”

“He did something funny to my sister. More importantly, he still owes me for dinner at Izola’s that time.”

“You too?”

“This is business.”