The Name Game

I think it’s time for a new name.

By my math, Black folk in America have been “African Americans” for dang near two decades.

Now, let’s see, we were “Black” for about two decades before that.

We were “Negroes” for a long while before that. There was a short period where we were ‘Afro Americans” between “Negro” and “Black”, but that was kind of a fad. Kind of like lava lamps.

It’s time for a new name.

I kind of want the input of so called Black leadership, since they value the style of what we are called over the substance of what we become.

When I put out feelers, however, I was rebuffed and learned these individuals have become a newly named race unto themselves.

I think it’s called “Paid”.

Back to the drawing board.

Desperate as I was, I put in a call to none other than Flatbush Jones.

Flat had been low key lately. I had to track him down through Baby Momma Number Two, who had an email address for Current Girlfriend Number Nineteen, who was angry with him and sent me to Current Girlfriend Sixteen, who, it turns out, had a burnout cel number for Flat that he had just swiped from Threesome Partner Number Four.

“Who dis?”

“Flat?”

‘Yeah, who dis?”

“It’s me. JD.”

“Heeeey, McCallum! I was just thinking about you!”

“Hey, man. What you up to?”

“I been thinking about our people, man, and that last conversation we had.”

Uh-Oh. Please no Homey King discussions.

“Oh. OK. Look, Flat, I been thinking, Black people need a new name…”

“Funny you should mention that. Me and the bros here been on that same thing.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. After we all got together and did that mass wave to urge the kids to school on the first day, we sat down and formed a committee to see how we could best further our people.”

Pushing for education? Collective support of each other’s businesses? Basic respect for each other?

“We really thought Black people could step into the new millennium correctly if we had a better name.”

Oh. Man, haven’t been in the new millennium for ‘bout a decade? So, what are your suggestions?

“Well, we thought, initially, that our new name should showcase WHO we are as a people. African Americans? What the hell we got to do with America? What we do in America?”

Hmmmm…A buncha years of free labor produced many inventions we take for granted? We built the economic infrastructure of the place? I shouldn’t mention those one or two cultural things that we provided that, hmmm, influenced culture in the whole damn country?

“We were thinking “Kemetics”. Like the old Egyptians? I mean, we did some stuff in Egypt. We built pyramids, pioneered space flight, and built the pyramids! That’s some stuff which could make Black Americans proud!”

Um, ancient Egypt is probably the biggest example of Black on Black crime in history. A Black ruling class enslaved a bunch of Black people in a horrible fashion and made those slaves build the same pyramids, then murdered the survivors so they could have slaves in the afterlife. That’s a couple thousand years ago, though…
“OK…how about we revert to tribal names? We find the name of some defunct tribe and use that?”

Huh? Just what we want, to remind our brothers and sisters worldwide of the decimation of an entire group of people?

“Strong is a good name too…”

“Strong?”

“Describes us to a tee. ‘Strong’. One word. Powerful. Resolute."

Dude, that’s stupid. I can see the news now. “Today, in the news, on Chicago’s South Side, two members of the Strong community were arrested for attempting to stick up a corner store with a gun made of soap…”

“Well, you know, the task force was brainstorming on that one. Try this on for size: Sepia.”

No.

“OK, Brother Smakamu came up with this one: Atramentous.”

That’s the boy copied the dictionary while in the joint?

“Yeah, he only got 60 days, so he only made it through the “A’s”.

I shook my head.

“Ya’ll must have a lot of downtime at work or something. Geez. How do you come up with this stuff?”

Silence.

“Oh.”

“Brother, we are taught that a name means everything. Without the proper name, something can not aspire to be what it really is.”

“Oh.”

“Because you are caught up with the white man’s idea of how things should be labeled, you don’t understand.”

No. I do. I hate the fact that spoons are called, well, “spoons”. There isn’t a better name than that? Why do I use something daily and I have no say in what it is named?

‘Our original African names are a prime example. What could we do if we were named properly.”

“My daddy named me. His named him. It was fair. I named my kid. We all got the same name. Easy to spell.”

“But if you had the right name…”

“We’ve been here before. No dice. Looking at the numbers Black folk were doing better amongst ourselves when we had to respond to “colored”. When we “African Americans”, we stomping each other to death on 111th and blaming the white man for it.”

“Well, we’re not doing “colored.” Nobody colored me.”

“And Flat, you ain’t never been to Africa…”

“The man keeps us from wanting to go home…”

“The man makes millions flying jets in and out of the continent every day. So give: I know your committee came up with this new name. What is the name that is supposed to help us reach our glory?”

“First, we have to break it down: We are the descendants of Africa…”

“True…”

“And we are alien to this land…maybe this world…the ancient Egyptians pioneered space travel. Didn’t you see The Fifth Element? That part of it was true. W may be so superior because we are from outside this galaxy and chose, upon arriving, to live in the most resource rich place on this orb. THIS name describes us and will allow us to be given our place in history.”

“Give.”

“Afliens.”

Silence.

“Outkast was playing?”

“It was a marathon on BET.”