The Difference Between men and Women...

A dear friend is going through a painful separation that will lead to a rough divorce. I am in her corner, having a similar experience in my recent history. A conversation yesterday was quite enlightening.

“James,” she said, “ I have spoken with more women who have been through what I am going through. The consensus is that by and large, they throw themselves into the church, they get really active with the kids, but they do not leave. Every man that I have spoken with is on exactly the opposite page. He deals with infidelity, he calls a lawyer. Why is that?”

I have to be careful. This is a friend that I adore, and a friendship that I value. Her points are valid. I want to bring clarity to the issue, but she has been hurt enough already.

“You know, Hon, “ I started, “I have a lot of female friends. Of the lot of them, all have cheated on their spouse or long-term significant other, at least once.

“I am not exempting the men that cheat. What I have noticed is there are differences.

“Joe cheats, he is either so inept or so nonchalant that he makes it clear what is going on. I have often also found with the guys that I know who are cheating that their indiscretions tend to be flings. ‘I came, I saw, I hit it.’ This does not excuse their behavior in any way. I have noticed, though, that more people, surprisingly, are willing to forgive a sexual encounter. Perhaps that is why their women stay. Many of these guys have relatively successful ladies in their lives; the women are not staying for the money. Truthfully, most of the women that I know mistakenly believe that with enough love, you can change someone, if you just have some patience and understanding…

“Lisa cheats, however, and it is not a fling. Every woman that has shared her infidelities with me has made it clear: they had a relationship. Sex was just a part of it. There was love, quasi commitment, a level of understanding and all of the things that make up a real, live relationship. Things their current mate is bound to miss. In most relationships, men do not do a careful examination of whom they are with. Women do that examination and believe they can change whatever they do not like about that man. Both actins are foolish…

“A man could probably deal with a fling. But any wise man knows that once your woman has committed her heart to another man, that’s it. There is no working it out. What did R. Kelly say? ‘When a woman’s fed up…’ You and she are done. She may stay for the financial benefits or because you are a doggone good babysitter. But the two of you, romantically, are kaput. Her sleeping with another guy isn’t the threat. It is the relationship she builds with him long before they ever go to bed that will be your undoing.

“Perhaps it’s just the way we are conditioned. Women are conditioned to nurture. Men are conditioned to see the bottom line. When it is said and done, however, some women will try to work with a man they know will never change.
“Men realize it’s a wrap. Time to lick your wounds and move on. She don’t want you no more. You ain’t changing nobody that has made it clear you are no longer a priority. You stab. She conducts surgery. Stab wounds heal. Surgery removes completely. What else can you do?”