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Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The Press Conference

“Next question?”

“Sir, what is your response to allegations that you have sexually harassed at least four women who were once in your employ? One of whom has come forward recently?”

Shaking of head. Then, that smirk. The one that closes the commercial where the white guy is puffing his cigarette.

“Are you for real?”

“I am. While your poll numbers have not taken much of a hit, some conservative pundits have expressed displeasure with you over this situation.”

That smirk again.

“What does your wife think of this?”

“Is it true that all of the women are white?”

The smirk stops.

“’Scuse me?”

“Reports indicate that all of the women are Caucasian. The one who ahs come forward definitely is. Do you favor white women, sir?”

Slow burn. Wait. Be easy. They got Clarence like this, kind of. Kobe. That damned fool, O.J.

Clear throat.

Smirk. Again.

“Yeah,” gliding chuckle. “It was me.”

Silence. Pens can be heard dropping.

“I mean, shoot. What ya’ll expect? I’m not exactly some school teacher here. I’m pretty much,” loosening of tie, “a self made man. In America, the true ballers are CEOs. WE tell Black kids they have slim pickin’s of being pro ball players, almost all of whom exclusively chase white booty. Or lack thereof. Have you any idea how hard it is to get to be CEO? I mean, even of a fast food chain. That’s some work. Hell. Kissinger said it best. Power corrupts. Ya’ll never give him a hard time over the white women.”

Someone is choking.

“Now, this gal outta Chicago? Mutual. I’m coming clean, no need to lie. I mean, had she NOT been into me, wouldn’t SHE have gotten paid, TOO? That damn pillow talk. You say things you shouldn’t in the afterglow. Like how the last couple who failed to come across got big paydays, but how all this one got was, well, hey, I got mine, you know?

“You all DO realize when I was in the Chi at a Tea Party event a bit back, she came up to me and gave me a big hug? Tried to suggest we hook up for old times sake, but those days are behind me, so I wished her well and kept it moving. Hell, someone in the media caught the whole exchange. Naw, she’s out to get paid. By the way, don’t think I’m stupid. No secret the only one to come public, aside from being a fake, is from the Windy. Who else is from the Windy? I think the new mayor there is someone’s dirty tricks expert, but I won’t name any names…heh…heh…heh…”

“Sir, aren’t you married?”

“Shoot, so is Bill Clinton. Look, I was on the road a lot. My wife and I were having problems. I’m a man. I’m alone, nice hotel rooms, money, power…I was pretty young, all things considered. Hell, I stepped out. It was wrong. Why you think I became a minister after all that? I was wrong, but I ain’t unique…

“Let’s call a spade a spade, no pun intended. If these were Black women, ya’ll wouldn’t even consider this news. I’m surprised.”

“But why white women, sir?”

“Dunno. Revenge for slavery? There are no Black women in pizza chain upper management? All Black women at that time were on the Democratic plantation and won’t give up any squishy goodness to a brotha like me? I dunno. Let’s keep it real. I was born in the south. I’m a Morehouse man. You don’t think I’ve had my share of Black women? Hell, I got one at home. I wanted to try something different. See what the fuss was all about…”

“Was it worth it, sir?”

“Kinda. Just expensive as hell, but it’s one of the CEO perks, y’know? They got insurance for that kind of thing. Pay your deductible and move on. Company picks up the premiums. Part of your compensation package.

"I will say this, however: I realized just how down sistas are. Moving forward, I'ma reserve my "plantation" comments for those chucklehead Black MALES. My wife is in my corner. Do you know Black female newscasters in Chicago are looking at this chick like, ' 'Why she come out now?' Nothing rallies Balck women like hatred of white women they think have dogged a Black man."

“But WHY white women?”

“Shoot, boy, you hard of hearing? Cuz they was THERE! Next question.”

“Does this have anything to do with 9-9-9?”

“I could comment, but I won’t. That one’s too easy.”

“Do you think this will affect you with voters?”

“Maybe, but I dunno. I mean, we’ve come a long way in this country. Some of the staunchest rednecks cheer for colored ballplayers who have white trash wives. Hell, some of the staunchest rednecks got sisters married to those colored ballplayers…”

“Rush Limbaugh defended you…”

“He should. Again, any powerful man who acts like what I done was a crime is a hypocrite, or same sex oriented. Don’t get me started on that.”

“But sir: WHITE WOMEN?”

“You never saw ‘Mandingo’? Been part of the plan since the beginning. Shoot. I’m an old school Republican. Before Condi or that cute Holmes gal, if you weren’t Lynn Swan and you wanted some off the reservation action, where did you go?”

“Do you think this hurts your chances to be President of the United States?”

“I never had any chance. We all know that. Well, anything is possible. Excepting that political Jackie Robinson you got residing there now, man, some real questionable characters have inhabited the executive mansion for the last decade and a half. Keep it real.”

“Do you think this was leaked now to cover up something that may damage another candidate?”

“You’re smarter than you look. But now that I’ve admitted it…my fallout is over. Let’s see how a certain other candidate deals with some mortgage issue fallout.”

“Like who, sir?”

“Is this good for the Democrats, sir?”

“Hell, I’M good for the Democrats. More people of color made sure their voter registrations were up to date once I started tying with Whasisface. The Democrats needed me to be popular just before the mid term elections. Remember, in politics, nothing is as it seems. We are all on smoke and mirrors. Also, this whole thing got real hot where? In Chicago. Hmmm…”

“Will the Koch brothers drop you after this?”

“My brothers from another mother? Naw. Please. With all of their money, you think they didn’t know about this way back? I’m a candidate, ya’ll. We walk the streets and lay like we’re told to lay. The money people know all there is to know about us. Hell, who do you think sent me some of those women?”

“But white women…”

“Get off it. The last time I was with a sista half my age I got two hernias and SHE blew MY back out. Uh uh. Plus, all of that is behind me. Things happen in marriage all the time. We work it out. Ya’ll the ones foaming at the mouth cuz they white. I just saw a chance to score.”

“Any closing remarks?”

“Keep your eye on the ball. None of this is what it seems.”

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