The new Tyler Perry movie debuted this weekend, raking in $20 million for Mr. Perry and once again giving Black talk radio fodder for topics for the next week or so.
I didn’t see it. My wife and I went to the movies, and had she wanted to watch “For Colored Girls”, I would have gone along; enduring yet another of Mr. Perry’s bash fests to happily enjoy the company of my wife.
“I don’t want to see it,” she said.
Oh.
“I mean, I go to the movies to be entertained. I know there are bad relationships and what not. I’ve had some. After a while, though, you wonder: why keep making a millionaire out of someone who has clearly figured out rehashing your problems makes for more of a market than say, just advising you to make better decisions?”
Ouch.
“I’ve had bad relationships. I chose the wrong guys. I hung in there thinking I could change people, or they would change on their own. I paid the price. I got over it. I think it’s funny that so many people, especially, now, a Black man, have learned they can get paid by repeatedly showing Black women their problems and never once saying, ‘Hey, you have more control over this situation than you realize.’ It’s crazy.”
Oh. OK.
After the movie and dinner, I opened my email to read one of those “Things You Need to Know About Black Women” lists. I guess some guy posted a list of things he found common among the women he dated, and decided to write a quick “I’m Not Falling for It Anymore” list. Of course, someone on their laptop in the beauty shop the next day had time on their hands and venom in her heart, and responded with the written version of a neck roll.
I kinda laugh at these lists. No group is a monolith. Yeah, I never liked it when authors, especially Black females, portrayed me as a dog out to sleep with whatever moved, ready to move on to a white woman as soon as one became available. Being a romantic has been my undoing on several occasions. I contribute fairly, or so I’ve been told, to my relationships. I’ve got my issues, but the rampant insecurity, sexual acting out or just plain violence that are often ascribed to Black men in these tomes aren’t what ails me. Arrogant? Yes. Think too much? Yes. Probably a bit judgmental because I know what I bring to the table? Of course. Do I keep score? Unfortunately. A bit pessimistic? Who told you. I’ve been told the Quentin Spivey character in ‘The Best Man’ and I share a character trait or two. I never been a dog, though, and to date, the number of times I have had my heart broken, teeny as it is, has been by Black women. My solution has not been to jump the fence and squire Marcia Brady.
I read both lists and laughed, however. Of course, there was the obligatory “Strong Black Woman” comment. I have known some women whose strength is earth shattering. None of them ever used the words “I am a strong Black woman.” Usually, the weak ones perpetrating could spell this phrase backwards. I’m just saying. Strength is like power. Look up what Maggie Thatcher said about that. She was a woman, by the way. Just thought I’d mention that.
There was the “Black women had to work while other women had wealthy men to take care of them.”
There are only so many rich men. I always laughed at how so many sistas I knew would get angry because they could not find a rich man. That’s why they griped about ball players and celebrities marrying white. Really? I hate to say this, but I’ll bet there are plenty of white, Asian and other women in the middle and lower classes who have to go earn a living like everyone else. Not all of the other women have rich men because gee, not everybody of another color is rich. Just a thought.
Once, when I suggested to my wife that she stay home and I carry the financial burden, she made it clear that nothing would annoy her more. She likes engaging with people. She likes getting dressed to go somewhere. Her mother has a PhD and someone with that kind of a gene pool is not going to let their mind waste away while they sit at home and watch cable. She was off two months this summer and would glare at me as I got dressed to go to work.
Also, she likes control. Many of the women that I know like control, and generating your own income means you don’t have to hear someone else’s mouth. I have found Black women to be inherently fairer than most simply because they understand the concept of democracy. “I am a part of this, I contribute, I got a say.”
I digress.
There was the “Black Women don’t want a thug but a manly man.”
Please.
Some people are stuck on what I call the superhero syndrome. You are constantly looking for that person with a cape to be in your life. Whether it is some super gorgeous woman that cooks, cleans and makes your knees buckle every time, or that hard as nails guy who was always in your corner. Manly man is not it. Face it. Many of us make bad relationship choices and try to make good come out of a bad situation. He chose her because her custom bras were the equivalent of Shaq’s custom sneakers. She chose him because he embodied some fantasy about her being swept away. She gave him the clap, he gave her a baby and a Black eye. So ends the fantasy. We often choose people for the wrong reasons, and I have too many friends who chose men solely because they were thugs, they seemed unattainable, they had money, whatever. More often than not, they were disappointed. I tell my guys, “Look, if you are with her because the horizontal activity is outstanding, good. Just don’t get mad when you can’t discuss why it is some of these domestic policies are messing with your ability to grow your business.” I knew a woman who admitted she destroyed every decent relationship she had. Got bored. Kept chasing some loser who couldn’t spell and really didn’t rock her world, mentally, physically or other. Too often we want what we cannot have, and there is a reason we are not supposed to have it.
I thought about what my wife said. About choices. Too often, we make lousy choices for ourselves, and then refuse to accept our role in having made them. I know some dogs. They are lousy actors. The women they get know what they have from the outset. These guys are never alone. Dog one, and five more who know you are a dog step up to take their place. Then they are upset, two babies, a venereal disease, and possibly several Black eyes later. Why? You knew he was a dog. What did you expect? You chose Livin With My Momma Tyrone over Boring Banker Byron. Why you mad Byron wanted Marcia?
I no longer listen to friends angry their woman cheated on them. When you met her, she had a man. She was staying with him. He was taking care of her two babies by another guy. An hour of conversation and she gives you some? And you thought that was wifey material? Big Dummy. You mad because you walk in and she is servicing Tyrone again. Worse, your dumb behind will be there to save her when he dumps her…again.
Look, we all got our issues. I long for the day, however, when someone can write the following:
SBF, a bit of padding but great sista figure (you know how we do), shy, somewhat mouthy to cover up insecurities from being with guys who only wanted me for my voluptuous figure and the fact that I am so needy I fell for the okeydoke time and again. Seeking employed BM with sense of humor whose word is good. I have my moments but I will be ride or die, just make me feel loved and let me know I can trust you. My strength is not in what I say but in the ability to love no matter how bad the world looks or has treated me. Open to new things but please don’t assume just because we click in bed blowing my back out will be fair replacement for mental stimulation and real understanding.
SBM, employed, parent, sometimes drinks too much but good natured soul. Seeking a SBF, weight and complexion unimportant, but must understand I argue enough at work and verbal jousting is not my idea of relaxation. I like intimacy but sometimes that means letting me play with your hair and you eating my cooking. Love kids but don’t ask me to be in their lives and support them if I can’t check them when they are wrong. Don’t question my past mistakes with the law and I won’t question how you perfected those knee buckling skills at such an early age. I have payrolled some really lousy women so let’s not have any money double standards. I will never be a millionaire but I will treat you like the queen you are, just don’t take me for granted.
I didn’t see it. My wife and I went to the movies, and had she wanted to watch “For Colored Girls”, I would have gone along; enduring yet another of Mr. Perry’s bash fests to happily enjoy the company of my wife.
“I don’t want to see it,” she said.
Oh.
“I mean, I go to the movies to be entertained. I know there are bad relationships and what not. I’ve had some. After a while, though, you wonder: why keep making a millionaire out of someone who has clearly figured out rehashing your problems makes for more of a market than say, just advising you to make better decisions?”
Ouch.
“I’ve had bad relationships. I chose the wrong guys. I hung in there thinking I could change people, or they would change on their own. I paid the price. I got over it. I think it’s funny that so many people, especially, now, a Black man, have learned they can get paid by repeatedly showing Black women their problems and never once saying, ‘Hey, you have more control over this situation than you realize.’ It’s crazy.”
Oh. OK.
After the movie and dinner, I opened my email to read one of those “Things You Need to Know About Black Women” lists. I guess some guy posted a list of things he found common among the women he dated, and decided to write a quick “I’m Not Falling for It Anymore” list. Of course, someone on their laptop in the beauty shop the next day had time on their hands and venom in her heart, and responded with the written version of a neck roll.
I kinda laugh at these lists. No group is a monolith. Yeah, I never liked it when authors, especially Black females, portrayed me as a dog out to sleep with whatever moved, ready to move on to a white woman as soon as one became available. Being a romantic has been my undoing on several occasions. I contribute fairly, or so I’ve been told, to my relationships. I’ve got my issues, but the rampant insecurity, sexual acting out or just plain violence that are often ascribed to Black men in these tomes aren’t what ails me. Arrogant? Yes. Think too much? Yes. Probably a bit judgmental because I know what I bring to the table? Of course. Do I keep score? Unfortunately. A bit pessimistic? Who told you. I’ve been told the Quentin Spivey character in ‘The Best Man’ and I share a character trait or two. I never been a dog, though, and to date, the number of times I have had my heart broken, teeny as it is, has been by Black women. My solution has not been to jump the fence and squire Marcia Brady.
I read both lists and laughed, however. Of course, there was the obligatory “Strong Black Woman” comment. I have known some women whose strength is earth shattering. None of them ever used the words “I am a strong Black woman.” Usually, the weak ones perpetrating could spell this phrase backwards. I’m just saying. Strength is like power. Look up what Maggie Thatcher said about that. She was a woman, by the way. Just thought I’d mention that.
There was the “Black women had to work while other women had wealthy men to take care of them.”
There are only so many rich men. I always laughed at how so many sistas I knew would get angry because they could not find a rich man. That’s why they griped about ball players and celebrities marrying white. Really? I hate to say this, but I’ll bet there are plenty of white, Asian and other women in the middle and lower classes who have to go earn a living like everyone else. Not all of the other women have rich men because gee, not everybody of another color is rich. Just a thought.
Once, when I suggested to my wife that she stay home and I carry the financial burden, she made it clear that nothing would annoy her more. She likes engaging with people. She likes getting dressed to go somewhere. Her mother has a PhD and someone with that kind of a gene pool is not going to let their mind waste away while they sit at home and watch cable. She was off two months this summer and would glare at me as I got dressed to go to work.
Also, she likes control. Many of the women that I know like control, and generating your own income means you don’t have to hear someone else’s mouth. I have found Black women to be inherently fairer than most simply because they understand the concept of democracy. “I am a part of this, I contribute, I got a say.”
I digress.
There was the “Black Women don’t want a thug but a manly man.”
Please.
Some people are stuck on what I call the superhero syndrome. You are constantly looking for that person with a cape to be in your life. Whether it is some super gorgeous woman that cooks, cleans and makes your knees buckle every time, or that hard as nails guy who was always in your corner. Manly man is not it. Face it. Many of us make bad relationship choices and try to make good come out of a bad situation. He chose her because her custom bras were the equivalent of Shaq’s custom sneakers. She chose him because he embodied some fantasy about her being swept away. She gave him the clap, he gave her a baby and a Black eye. So ends the fantasy. We often choose people for the wrong reasons, and I have too many friends who chose men solely because they were thugs, they seemed unattainable, they had money, whatever. More often than not, they were disappointed. I tell my guys, “Look, if you are with her because the horizontal activity is outstanding, good. Just don’t get mad when you can’t discuss why it is some of these domestic policies are messing with your ability to grow your business.” I knew a woman who admitted she destroyed every decent relationship she had. Got bored. Kept chasing some loser who couldn’t spell and really didn’t rock her world, mentally, physically or other. Too often we want what we cannot have, and there is a reason we are not supposed to have it.
I thought about what my wife said. About choices. Too often, we make lousy choices for ourselves, and then refuse to accept our role in having made them. I know some dogs. They are lousy actors. The women they get know what they have from the outset. These guys are never alone. Dog one, and five more who know you are a dog step up to take their place. Then they are upset, two babies, a venereal disease, and possibly several Black eyes later. Why? You knew he was a dog. What did you expect? You chose Livin With My Momma Tyrone over Boring Banker Byron. Why you mad Byron wanted Marcia?
I no longer listen to friends angry their woman cheated on them. When you met her, she had a man. She was staying with him. He was taking care of her two babies by another guy. An hour of conversation and she gives you some? And you thought that was wifey material? Big Dummy. You mad because you walk in and she is servicing Tyrone again. Worse, your dumb behind will be there to save her when he dumps her…again.
Look, we all got our issues. I long for the day, however, when someone can write the following:
SBF, a bit of padding but great sista figure (you know how we do), shy, somewhat mouthy to cover up insecurities from being with guys who only wanted me for my voluptuous figure and the fact that I am so needy I fell for the okeydoke time and again. Seeking employed BM with sense of humor whose word is good. I have my moments but I will be ride or die, just make me feel loved and let me know I can trust you. My strength is not in what I say but in the ability to love no matter how bad the world looks or has treated me. Open to new things but please don’t assume just because we click in bed blowing my back out will be fair replacement for mental stimulation and real understanding.
SBM, employed, parent, sometimes drinks too much but good natured soul. Seeking a SBF, weight and complexion unimportant, but must understand I argue enough at work and verbal jousting is not my idea of relaxation. I like intimacy but sometimes that means letting me play with your hair and you eating my cooking. Love kids but don’t ask me to be in their lives and support them if I can’t check them when they are wrong. Don’t question my past mistakes with the law and I won’t question how you perfected those knee buckling skills at such an early age. I have payrolled some really lousy women so let’s not have any money double standards. I will never be a millionaire but I will treat you like the queen you are, just don’t take me for granted.
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