It was a nice, sunny day. I was on a park bench, shelling peanuts and tossing them in the general direction of some squirrels. I couldn’t see them. My eyes were closed behind some tortoise Persol shades.
I was chilling when I felt a thud on my shoulder. I reached in my jacket pocket, but remembered that God had told me to stop carrying what had once been there. Good thing, too. Double action means I would have put a hole through my jacket. And Blip.
Hands on her beautifully rounded hips, eyes flashing, she cocked for another punch. Blip had triceps like Angela Bassett and hit like a dude.
“Cut that out!” I grinned. “Hey Baby.”
My female friends are all Baby, Hon, Boo, Lovie, and Silly. I tend to have just one “Babygirl”, and that is my person. Actually, I only used that with that one person. I have referred to Rachel as “Duck”, but that is not entirely complimentary. I have also referred to Rae as Cerberus. Look that one up.
Anyway…
“Don’t ‘hey baby’ me!” She reared back again.
“This a bad time to tell you that I love you?” I do love Blip. I love all my female friends. I tell them, too. No one outside of asylum staff would tolerate me with as much patience and caring.
“You wrote that essay…”
“Yeah. You encourage me to write as a release, DOCTOR. What gives?”
“You gave that damn advice…””
“OK. “
“Aaaarh! This is maddening!”
Blip sat her impressive rear end on the bench next to me. “All I wanted was someone to share my life with…that could get on my agenda and have a family with me…gimme one of those damned peanuts.”
She threw it at a squirrel, shell and all. That squirrel gave her a look that could kill.
“Baby…squirrels can be mean. They’ll gang up on you.”
“Grr….”
“What? Was my advice bad?”
She turned her almond eyes in my direction. I prefer to look at Blip while standing up. Looking down her shirt isn’t as much of a treat as it is with my other friends.
“No! Now I’ve got three guys who won’t leave me alone!”
I am merely a dumb male. I did not understand.
“That is baaaad…why?”
“Mac, I did NOT need three men. I went on three dates. Three different guys. Oh my gosh, I have NEVER embarrassed myself so much. All three of them keep blowing up my phone! Oh my gosh…one of them thinks it was cute…has requested…JD, I can’t produce that much damn flatulence on demand! Oh, wow…”
“This other guy, man. I told him that part of me dating him was that I have an agenda. You know what? So does he! He was only too happy to share it, and he treated me like a doggone business deal. ‘You fulfill parts of my agenda, I am happy to fulfill yours…’ He made me feel like a commodity…”
“But Baby, in truth, isn’t that what he is to you? How can you get angry if he is…dunno,” I dropped my voice an octacve, “Playin’ yo’ game, baby…yo game…”
Blip looked askance at me, grinning. “You silly.”
“Of course, Ms. Shrink. Continue.”
“Guy number three? He is looking for a wife, family, wants to settle down…”
“Isn’t that what you want?”
She banged her palms on her solid thighs repeatedly. “Yes, but I don’t want him to want it like I do…I mean…where is the…I mean, make it…”
“And they say only men like the chase?”
“I mean, what’s wrong with him? What man wants those things now?”
“Two things: one, perhaps that’s what folk think about you when you push that same issue? And also, some men, like some women are very family oriented. I don’t miss my ex wife, but I do miss having a family.”
“Everybody ain’t you, Buddy.”
“So what else is the problem?”
“OK, I did this truthful, honest thing, I got three guys I like, but I got issues. I can’t get with all three of them…”
‘Why not? Date ‘em all, see what happens.”
“I’m not sleeping with three men at once, Mac.”
“You forget who you talking to? All of us, a t some point in our lives, have had multiple sex partners in the same rotation. I ain’t saying it’s cool, and I prefer sex within a monogamous relationship…”
“Just because I did it before doesn’t mean I’m doing it now. I ain’t going out like that.”
“Fair enough. I did not say ‘commit’. I did not say ‘have relations’. I said ‘date’ all three for a while, see what you like.”
“But what if they date someone while they are dating me?”
“Goose, gander…”
“I got NEEDS, Mac.”
“Sorry, Blip. You know we don’t get down like that.”
“I’m feeling the need for some…attention. Which of these three guys...?”
“None of them. You’re dating, figuring out what you like and really want. Why is it that Black folk start having relationships at like, 12, and life thereafter revolves around being committed to someone and the drama that ensues?”
“So, put my needs on hold?”
“You‘ve done it before.”
“I could call X, my guy from last summer. He could help me through this while I am dating.”
“That further complicates the matter, doesn’t it?”
“How?”
“One, you’ll be angry if you find out one of these three new prospects are doing the same thing.”
“That would make them doggish as hell.”
“Debatable. It can’t be OJ when you do it and doggish when it is done to you. You don’t have to like that, Doctor, but it’s real.”
“Two, reintroducing an old flame to your life for sexual fulfillment while you are supposedly really trying to find the right guy for the future sets you up for all kinds of failure. Eventually, the type of person you are, and baby, you needy…” Why lie? Many of my women friends are.
“You got one time to feel lonely one Friday night when X can’t make it over and your three new guys have blown in the wind because they ain’t into games…now you mad. Hurt. All over again. Especially when X calls saying, ‘Been real, I’m with her now’. That rejection is not going to go well, and my dear, it is wholly avoidable.”
“Well, what am I SUPPOSED to do?”
“Stop rushing. Take your time. See what is really out there.”
“No. I’m just going to love me and hang with my girls.”
“That’s great if that’s what you want to do. But if it’s not, it’s a lousy defense mechanism. First of your sorors that gets a man and leaves the clique will put you on full hate mode.”
“This is because men can’t work with a strong woman.”
“Really? I’m not seeing that.”
“Why can’t they just do things the way they should be done?”
“They’re not you. You cannot control another person.”
“You’re just being your usual, male self.”
“Last I checked, yes, I was standing when I relieved myself an hour back.
“Look, Baby, there is nothing wrong with you. You need to grow up a bit, though. There is something that you want. Fine. Nothing wrong with that. But you won’t have it playing games, hiding who you are and getting angry over nothing. You won’t have it rushing. You won’t have it giving in to desires when they hit. Conveniently using religion won’t help it materialize any faster. Pointing fingers will only make the other side mad, and frankly? You don’t want to hear it, but time and years are on the other team’s side. And numbers. They are approaching peak earning years and while society values one side when it is young, the other reaps its rewards as it gets older. So much BS is out here about there being no eligible Black men that those who still have their teeth, hold a job and touch their toes are realizing their value.
“Finally, the other side is not as emotional. The games that worked when you were younger will get you used and left behind. There was stuff I would tolerate five years ago that would cause me to cut a woman I loved dearly loose today. We are not y’all. The things you care about and value mean so little to us, and we can be more judgmental than you when we feel you are playing games. Be honest, Baby: we both know there is no gender bias on fidelity, honesty or the like. You and I both know too many situations where women are just as grimy as men, regardless of how they try to justify it. We both know that folk really just want easy, they want relaxed, the smart ones want a situation that works and is productive and drama free. Someone switching up game plans and practicing adolescent relationship tricks just isn’t cool.”
Blip looked at me hard.
“I don’t do that stuff. So what are you saying?”
“I’m saying being up front has put three new people in your life. Feel them out. If it works, move forward. If it doesn’t, move on. Don’t put yourself out there for just any old thing, but relax. Have a good time. Many people ruin their own thing because they don’t know how to handle it when it gets good. You a beautiful woman, blip. You pretty. You smart. You fun. You punch like Tyson…”
“The first thing is usually the most important. Why I gotta be pretty, first? Why couldn’t you have said smart first?”
“Cuz that’s the way I am. You want somebody to think like a woman? Go be with one. Me? Take me or leave me. That’s the lesson, Grasshopper. The other side is what it is. The numbers and our resolve and our overall lack of needing to be somebody’s somebody make it so, and we are not changing. We will never be you. You wither love us or you don’t. Don’t take no stuff. Don’t let nobody treat you like dirt. Cut folk slack like you need to be cut sometimes. This ain’t rocket science. You wrote and defended a dissertation. You can do this.”
Blip leaned against me. I put my arm around her.
“Yeah, you know I ain’t trying to hear none a this, right?”
I laughed and pulled her closer. “I love you too, Blip.”
I was chilling when I felt a thud on my shoulder. I reached in my jacket pocket, but remembered that God had told me to stop carrying what had once been there. Good thing, too. Double action means I would have put a hole through my jacket. And Blip.
Hands on her beautifully rounded hips, eyes flashing, she cocked for another punch. Blip had triceps like Angela Bassett and hit like a dude.
“Cut that out!” I grinned. “Hey Baby.”
My female friends are all Baby, Hon, Boo, Lovie, and Silly. I tend to have just one “Babygirl”, and that is my person. Actually, I only used that with that one person. I have referred to Rachel as “Duck”, but that is not entirely complimentary. I have also referred to Rae as Cerberus. Look that one up.
Anyway…
“Don’t ‘hey baby’ me!” She reared back again.
“This a bad time to tell you that I love you?” I do love Blip. I love all my female friends. I tell them, too. No one outside of asylum staff would tolerate me with as much patience and caring.
“You wrote that essay…”
“Yeah. You encourage me to write as a release, DOCTOR. What gives?”
“You gave that damn advice…””
“OK. “
“Aaaarh! This is maddening!”
Blip sat her impressive rear end on the bench next to me. “All I wanted was someone to share my life with…that could get on my agenda and have a family with me…gimme one of those damned peanuts.”
She threw it at a squirrel, shell and all. That squirrel gave her a look that could kill.
“Baby…squirrels can be mean. They’ll gang up on you.”
“Grr….”
“What? Was my advice bad?”
She turned her almond eyes in my direction. I prefer to look at Blip while standing up. Looking down her shirt isn’t as much of a treat as it is with my other friends.
“No! Now I’ve got three guys who won’t leave me alone!”
I am merely a dumb male. I did not understand.
“That is baaaad…why?”
“Mac, I did NOT need three men. I went on three dates. Three different guys. Oh my gosh, I have NEVER embarrassed myself so much. All three of them keep blowing up my phone! Oh my gosh…one of them thinks it was cute…has requested…JD, I can’t produce that much damn flatulence on demand! Oh, wow…”
“This other guy, man. I told him that part of me dating him was that I have an agenda. You know what? So does he! He was only too happy to share it, and he treated me like a doggone business deal. ‘You fulfill parts of my agenda, I am happy to fulfill yours…’ He made me feel like a commodity…”
“But Baby, in truth, isn’t that what he is to you? How can you get angry if he is…dunno,” I dropped my voice an octacve, “Playin’ yo’ game, baby…yo game…”
Blip looked askance at me, grinning. “You silly.”
“Of course, Ms. Shrink. Continue.”
“Guy number three? He is looking for a wife, family, wants to settle down…”
“Isn’t that what you want?”
She banged her palms on her solid thighs repeatedly. “Yes, but I don’t want him to want it like I do…I mean…where is the…I mean, make it…”
“And they say only men like the chase?”
“I mean, what’s wrong with him? What man wants those things now?”
“Two things: one, perhaps that’s what folk think about you when you push that same issue? And also, some men, like some women are very family oriented. I don’t miss my ex wife, but I do miss having a family.”
“Everybody ain’t you, Buddy.”
“So what else is the problem?”
“OK, I did this truthful, honest thing, I got three guys I like, but I got issues. I can’t get with all three of them…”
‘Why not? Date ‘em all, see what happens.”
“I’m not sleeping with three men at once, Mac.”
“You forget who you talking to? All of us, a t some point in our lives, have had multiple sex partners in the same rotation. I ain’t saying it’s cool, and I prefer sex within a monogamous relationship…”
“Just because I did it before doesn’t mean I’m doing it now. I ain’t going out like that.”
“Fair enough. I did not say ‘commit’. I did not say ‘have relations’. I said ‘date’ all three for a while, see what you like.”
“But what if they date someone while they are dating me?”
“Goose, gander…”
“I got NEEDS, Mac.”
“Sorry, Blip. You know we don’t get down like that.”
“I’m feeling the need for some…attention. Which of these three guys...?”
“None of them. You’re dating, figuring out what you like and really want. Why is it that Black folk start having relationships at like, 12, and life thereafter revolves around being committed to someone and the drama that ensues?”
“So, put my needs on hold?”
“You‘ve done it before.”
“I could call X, my guy from last summer. He could help me through this while I am dating.”
“That further complicates the matter, doesn’t it?”
“How?”
“One, you’ll be angry if you find out one of these three new prospects are doing the same thing.”
“That would make them doggish as hell.”
“Debatable. It can’t be OJ when you do it and doggish when it is done to you. You don’t have to like that, Doctor, but it’s real.”
“Two, reintroducing an old flame to your life for sexual fulfillment while you are supposedly really trying to find the right guy for the future sets you up for all kinds of failure. Eventually, the type of person you are, and baby, you needy…” Why lie? Many of my women friends are.
“You got one time to feel lonely one Friday night when X can’t make it over and your three new guys have blown in the wind because they ain’t into games…now you mad. Hurt. All over again. Especially when X calls saying, ‘Been real, I’m with her now’. That rejection is not going to go well, and my dear, it is wholly avoidable.”
“Well, what am I SUPPOSED to do?”
“Stop rushing. Take your time. See what is really out there.”
“No. I’m just going to love me and hang with my girls.”
“That’s great if that’s what you want to do. But if it’s not, it’s a lousy defense mechanism. First of your sorors that gets a man and leaves the clique will put you on full hate mode.”
“This is because men can’t work with a strong woman.”
“Really? I’m not seeing that.”
“Why can’t they just do things the way they should be done?”
“They’re not you. You cannot control another person.”
“You’re just being your usual, male self.”
“Last I checked, yes, I was standing when I relieved myself an hour back.
“Look, Baby, there is nothing wrong with you. You need to grow up a bit, though. There is something that you want. Fine. Nothing wrong with that. But you won’t have it playing games, hiding who you are and getting angry over nothing. You won’t have it rushing. You won’t have it giving in to desires when they hit. Conveniently using religion won’t help it materialize any faster. Pointing fingers will only make the other side mad, and frankly? You don’t want to hear it, but time and years are on the other team’s side. And numbers. They are approaching peak earning years and while society values one side when it is young, the other reaps its rewards as it gets older. So much BS is out here about there being no eligible Black men that those who still have their teeth, hold a job and touch their toes are realizing their value.
“Finally, the other side is not as emotional. The games that worked when you were younger will get you used and left behind. There was stuff I would tolerate five years ago that would cause me to cut a woman I loved dearly loose today. We are not y’all. The things you care about and value mean so little to us, and we can be more judgmental than you when we feel you are playing games. Be honest, Baby: we both know there is no gender bias on fidelity, honesty or the like. You and I both know too many situations where women are just as grimy as men, regardless of how they try to justify it. We both know that folk really just want easy, they want relaxed, the smart ones want a situation that works and is productive and drama free. Someone switching up game plans and practicing adolescent relationship tricks just isn’t cool.”
Blip looked at me hard.
“I don’t do that stuff. So what are you saying?”
“I’m saying being up front has put three new people in your life. Feel them out. If it works, move forward. If it doesn’t, move on. Don’t put yourself out there for just any old thing, but relax. Have a good time. Many people ruin their own thing because they don’t know how to handle it when it gets good. You a beautiful woman, blip. You pretty. You smart. You fun. You punch like Tyson…”
“The first thing is usually the most important. Why I gotta be pretty, first? Why couldn’t you have said smart first?”
“Cuz that’s the way I am. You want somebody to think like a woman? Go be with one. Me? Take me or leave me. That’s the lesson, Grasshopper. The other side is what it is. The numbers and our resolve and our overall lack of needing to be somebody’s somebody make it so, and we are not changing. We will never be you. You wither love us or you don’t. Don’t take no stuff. Don’t let nobody treat you like dirt. Cut folk slack like you need to be cut sometimes. This ain’t rocket science. You wrote and defended a dissertation. You can do this.”
Blip leaned against me. I put my arm around her.
“Yeah, you know I ain’t trying to hear none a this, right?”
I laughed and pulled her closer. “I love you too, Blip.”
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