Yosef and Yami: A Love Story

Somewhere in Palestine, a long time ago, a young Black man named Yosef opened his news papyrus and scanned the day’s headlines. The usual. Clubbing over by the Sea of Galilee. Authorities still looking for info. Some donkeys boosted halfway to Samaria. Cops won’t even touch that one. Damned Samaritans. Bringing the property values down wherever they lay their damn heads. Ghetto Hebrews.

Something Yosef spied made him do a double take.

“Miriyam?” He called to his wife. “Yami? Baby, read this.”

A dark, beautiful woman entered the room, obviously pregnant, and eyed her husband warily. Yosef let the news bother him too much, and the baby was kicking. Plus, he was a bit paranoid, and this morning, she wasn’t up for it. She had discovered yet ANOTHER stretch mark, and for all his talk of helping with the household stuff, lately, Yosef got in too late from his carpentry shop to do anything but flop into a chair and yak about the day’s goings on.

“What’s up, Yo?”

“Baby, that daggone Herod is on garbage. This sell-out so-sold Hebrew is…woteva. Look, first, he sold the donkey parking meters to that outfit outta Egypt for peanuts. This is on top of the Hired Cart scandal. You know, where we were supposedly doing set asides for all of these female and non Roman companies? The ones where the Romans actually had their wives fronting the companies?”

Miriyam nodded warily and sat down.

“Baby,” she started, “Perhaps…I mean, your shop is doing well. If you spent less time worried about these politics, then, maybe we could save up enough of a down for a nice place, instead of renting this one…”

Yosef prattled on as if she hadn’t spoken.

“Now this fool hints he wants everyone to bring their first born son to the capital to get some kind of immune…imomnin…”

“Immunization, Honey.”

“Yeah. Dat. Like I’ma risk my boy!”

“Yo, we don’t even know it’s gonna be a boy.”

“I KNOW it’s a boy…”

Better to leave it alone, Miriyam thought. Yosef wasn’t much around the house, but he was very excited about this baby. Excited, and excitable. Recently, Moishe and Shmuel Avram were joking around with Yosef about how the baby probably wasn’t his. After all, Miriyam HAD become pregnant before their marriage, but these things happen. Anyway, Yosef blew a gasket, and began pummeling Shmuel. Moishe jumped in and soon, he too was getting the worst of it. Yosef David was no punk. He was from a hard tribe, worked in a hard field and beat ass on the regular. In the village, the term “Avram” became a verb thereafter, and Moishe and Shmuel both went on soft food diets.

“We movin’…”

“We just got here…”

‘Forget the census. They never count Black people correctly, anyway. We leavin’ before Herod can get his hands on my baby…”

Miriyam sucked her teeth. HIS baby? Was his chest sore, his abdomen tight, did he have to pee all the daggone time? Plus, politics took time to put words into action. What was the rush?

“Yosef,” she started gently, as if explaining to a child that genies were not real. A child who had genie toys scattered about his room. And one in each fist. “Your business is really starting to do well. Why, if it weren’t for your political leanings and the money you keep sending your mother…”

“Yami, stifle…”

“We could get a nice place, with a yard for the baby…”

“Baby ain’t gonna need no yard we let Herod stick ‘im. “ Yosef was bustling around the house. “We up. Whatever I can raise by Sabbath.”

“I think our future…”

“Look, I know you a woman, and you wise and all, but if it’s one thing men get, it’s safety. This ain’t about no conversation. This is about my family’s safety. Now, if you gon’ ride all the way to Egypt with your mouth poked out, lemme know now. Regardless, you goin’!”

“Egypt?”

“My cousin Mordecai Yehia lives there. Got a buncha hair shops. He owes me some favors. Plus, we can get ya hair done for free. You know Egyptians can do some Black hair.”

“But why Egypt Yosef? And wait…I know you not talkin’ bout my head…”

“Cause in Egypt the only way you can tell an Egyptian from a Hebrew is if he opens his mouth. We all look alike to them.”

The day after Sabbath, true to his word, Yosef packed his wife and a few belongings in a new sturdy wagon with extra strong suspension. His beloved Yami made it clear that if she had to ride to Egypt and feel every bump, Herod would seem like a day at the oasis compared to her.

The weather was nice that time of year. Yosef thanked the Almighty his baby wasn’t due sometime like December. The winters in his area were so ugly; they would have made outdoor travel miserable.

The trip got off to a rocky start. Yosef, to amuse himself, kept singing while Miriyam was trying to sleep. It was worse than when the donkeys broke wind.

“Could you cut that out,” she grated.

“What?”

“That stupid singing!”

“It passes the time!”

“It’s worse than when the mules pass gas! And what stupid lyrics! ‘Ease on down, ease on down the rooooooad.’ How nonsensical!”

Yosef muttered something to himself, remained quiet for a minute, and then resumed his singing, just softer.

Midway through their journey, they came across three men travelling together, dressed in finery.

“Please allow us to ride with you,” one man implored. A good Hebrew believes in being hospitable, so Yosef thought about it. A good Hebrew also ain’t no punk. He was about to slap the reins after muttering something polite when Miriyam, fully awake and annoyed, invited them in. If Yosef could do that stupid singing…

The trip was slowed down by the three extra bodies in the wagon. Two of the men played Uno with Miriyam, and the third kept telling Yosef he needed to slow down. On a mission, Yosef ignored them. If one of these fools cracked wise, however…well, ass beatings occurred in Egypt, as well, and he had his staff with him to even things out.

The ride was uneventful until they got to the Egyptian border.

“Guess we’ll catch ya’ll around!” Joseph said, pulling out his papers for the border guard to read.

“Oh, we’ll be OK. We like riding with ya’ll.”

“I mean…what about the border patrol? Egypt been buggin’ lately, because so many Babylonians keep crossing the borders. Honestly? Egypt’s carpentry industry is FULL of them. They hang outside of Pyramid Depot and underbid all us union guys…”

The wagon pulled up to the patrol hutch. A mean looking Egyptian guard in dark glasses and a cheap cloak scowled and barked, “Your papers!”

One of the three guys in back leaned forward, looked at the guard and said, “You don’t need to see his papers.”

The guard mean mugged and said, “I don’t need to see your papers.”

“He can go about his business…”

“You can go about your business.”

“Move along.”

The guard motioned harshly. “Move along!”

Dumbfounded, Yosef hustled the donkeys through the checkpoint and picked up speed. Just outside of Cairo, the three visitors departed, for a quick drink in a small bar bustling with music. Yosef went to his cousin Mordecai’s shop. Mordecai reminded him of one of their three visitors.

“Chile, “ Mordecai said, “So GOOD to see you! You look JUST like yo’ Daddy. Look, I know I owe you, cousin, but now is a bad time. You probly wanna go back to Judea, chile, this gubment is TRIPPIN’! Let me give you some money, and let me see that pretty wife you got. Miriyam always was such a sweet girl! Is it gonna be a boy?”

“Yep!”

“Name it after me!”

“I don’t know. Boys in our family named ‘Mordecai’ ain’t too manly.”

“True dat. Let me get you this money and get you to safety. Love you cousin! Ya’ll come back and see me before dat baby turn two! OK? That’s gonna be real important. I must bless him BEFORE he turn two!”

Yosef hugged his cousin, got back in the wagon. Miriyam got right angry when he said they were going BACK. She dealt with it, though. When Yosef went to check for their three guests, they were gone.

Before they could reach Nazareth, the pains started. Yosef pulled into Bethlehem and tried to get a room for his wife before he hunted up a midwife to deliver the baby. The North Star was shining brightly, and it guided Yosef to the middle of town. Miriyam was starting to moan from the contractions, and Yosef, like any sane man, wanted to first get her comfortable, and then get as far away from her as possible until his bundle of joy arrived.

“Yo?”

“Yeah Baby?”

“You will NEVER touch me again. EVER. If you even LOOK at me…”

“Yes, Yami.”

Yosef hit every hotel in town, only to be told there were no vacancies. At the last one, he got so fed up that he asked the clerk, a large, bespectacled man with a big head, clad in a black cashmere cloak, to let him speak with management.

“You got ‘im,” the man said, looking up from whatever he was writing. He looked Yosef over. This guy looked like trouble. He might be a Samaritan. On top of that, he had the look of someone who settled a lot of problems with his fists. He and his wife probably had a gang of kids hiding in the wagon, and once the room was paid for, they would descend on the inn like a horde, running up and down the halls, overflowing the pool.

“Dude, I need a room. My wife is in labor outside. “

“I’m full, man. Nothing I can do. Sorry.”

“You got to give me a room! If not , my wife is gonna deliver this baby without a midwife. Feel me, brother. I am NOT going to witness that, nor am I gonna hear all the evil things she gonna call me.”

The inn keeper thought about it.

“Look, man. I feel for you. Honestly? You don’t want your baby born here. The manger down the street is cleaner than it is here, and warmer. The boss here stops paying TelAviv Gas once April hits. You see there’s no heat.”

“You want me to take my wife to a stable to have my baby?”

“It’s either that or see something you spent most of your life chasing stretch to proportions that will make you feel insecure for the rest of your life...”

Yosef went in search of the manger. Minutes after he left, a flashily dressed couple came in, ordered a whirlpool suite, and were promptly provided service. The inn keeper charged them twice the normal rate and went back to his writing.

The Almighty has cursed hotel management ever since.

When they got to the manger, Miriyam had passed out. Yosef gingerly carried his tiny wife into the manger and set her down on some hay. She sniffed and awakened.

“Oh, no you didn’t…”

“Yami, let me explain…”

“Oh, NO YOU DIDN’T!”

“Miriyam, baby, look, it’s not what it seems…”

“First, you drag me to Egypt in my condition…then you drag me back…all I wanted was to stay in Nazareth, where we had a business, and buy a house with a yard…but noooo!!!! You have to drag me across Lord knows where! And now, where are we? Where has your sense of “male safety” brought us? To a manger of all places. YOU KNOW I DON’T LIKE IT OUTSIDE! Owwwwwwwwwwww…..”

A contraction hit. Yosef grabbed for his wife’s hand.

“Don’t you EVER touch me again!” Her breathing returned to normal. “This…ooooh, this ain’t gonna…you are of the Tribe of DAVID! THIS IS TE BEST YOU CAN DO? Other women get midwives and comfortable surroundings in their own homes! I am in a doggone stable! What would your ancestor think about that? Aren’t you ashamed?”

“Well, baby…I mean, word is he sent his best friend to the front to be killed so he could do his wife…I mean, I haven’t done anything on that level…”

“You should be happy there is no war on and you are no king’s best friend, because I’d have a suggestion or two…Oooooowwwwwwwwwwww!”

Yosef jumped up to go get a midwife. As he headed for the door, he heard screams of, “Yosef David! Don’t you leave me in this stinky place to…Owwwwwwwwwww! I never liked yo mama! Ooowwwwwwwwww!”

At the door, he bumped into the three visitors from earlier. They were followed by an older woman. Not knowing her but knowing dilation is something a man should never see, Yosef pointed in the direction of the howls. She bustled off.

Yosef looked at the three men.

“Where…how?”

“We followed the star, young man.”

“Most importantly,” said another, “We came to bring you these…”

“What’s this? “

“Valuables. We know we didn’t put in on the ride you gave us to Egypt, but we were able to get a charter to another area, and we wanted to pay you from that…”

“A charter?”

“Yes, as will one day be detailed in an American film, the Egyptians pioneered space travel. We have some work to do…out there. Initially, we were summoned before Herod, but he has corrupted the Senate and frankly, it’s time for us to jet. We wanted you to know, though, that boy? He is going to be something else.”

“I knew it was gonna be a boy!”

“Work with him. Bear with him. Fifteen whole years of his life will go undocumented. That will be to keep history from hating you, because he is gonna test you. But that boy. He is the one.”

“Really?”

“He’s not gonna bend no spoons. He ain’t gonna fly. But he is the one.”

“Will he take over the family business?”

A pause.

“Yah…kinda.”

The screams had stopped and they heard crying. The four men all walked forward. The three visitors knelt as they came closer, revealing, under their robes, foot long silver cylinders, hooded cloaks and sturdy boots. One had a lock of his hair tied in back. Yosef went to his wife and kissed her. Then he looked at his boy.

“We’ll call him…” he choked, looking at the little brown face in front of him, “Immanuel.”

The shortest of the three visitors whispered, “So glad he didn’t give that boy no Mexican name. Let’s go, Master. “

“In due time. Alderaan will be there. Where else would it go?”

Miriyam looked at Yosef with love.

“I’m still not letting you touch me again.”

"I’m not sure I’m responsible for all of this. But you know what? This boy is gonna be special. I’m gonna train him to be a carpenter, and a rabbi, in the line of our tribe. He’s gonna make you proud one day. The visitors said he was gonna take over the shop. Yosef and Son. I was gonna go into the junk business, but no, carpentry is where it’s at.”

“The house?”

“Soon as we get back to Nazareth,” he promised. “And we ain’t getting’ him immunized. But I promised Mordecai we’d bring him back for a blessing before two.”

“Sounds good.”

“Anything you want, Yami?”

“Peace. Love for our child. And oh. Something GOOD to eat. And maybe a glass of wine. It’s been nine months.”

“I’m on it. I saw the Yekezhkel’s fried kosher goat sign down the street. Hot or mild sauce?”

“Mild. And Yosef?”

“Yeah baby?”

“I love you. Even if I meant what I said about your mama.”

“Love you too, Miriyam.” At his son, he smiled. “Take care of your mother. The weight of the world is gonna be on your shoulders from this moment on, Immanuel.” He hurried off, singing, “We are family…”