Reparations

I’m baaaaaaaack…

Sorry, the others are getting prepped for publishing. I just keep missing riffing about the things that make me go, “Hmmmmm.”

Plus, Ruqayyah got tired of me laughing so loud during "Bridezilla." Too many parrallels. So it was time to share an opinion or two. Again. Sorry.

Being a Chicagoan, the whole reparations debate is front and center more in my Midwestern city than it is in most other areas of the country. That’s irony. The country’s most corrupt city being the headquarters and centerpiece for one of the most valid, enduring arguments.

For the record, I believe reparations are in order. Also for the record, I think Black folk got about as much chance of getting dollar the first as I do of having Flatbush return the $100 I put up for his bail last time he was arrested.

I do believe, however, that it was wrong to take people from their homeland (man, don’t tell me about who sold them to you…talk to me about the benefit you received from their labor. Don’t get it twisted) and use them to hell and gone to build the infrastructure of a country. The business of America is business. We do it better than anyone else on the planet. This is business. Debts are owed. Come at me with a payment plan.

If Native Americans can get tax free casinos for almost being wiped off the face of the planet, the descendants of America’s slaves deserve more than we been getting. Give it to us, and we’ll gripe no more.

Now, I don’t want reparations for the usual stuff. Slavery was bad, but lord knows poor record were kept in part to confuse those public officials who would look into reparations centuries later.

Oh, for the record: if you are a Black public official, you automatically forfeit your right to reparations. You already got yours. You, your kids, their kids.

Ditto if you are a preacher.

Or self proclaimed civil rights leader. Ya’ll paid already. In fact, perhaps ya’ll owe us. That’s another essay.

Oh, by the way, white men: please don’t equate welfare and other programs that have helped waaay more white people than minorities as payback for slavery. Your women were never enslaved, yet the numbers show they benefit more from both affirmative action and welfare than any Black person ever has. Whole sects of fundamentalists Mormons are practicing polygamy and living off of my tax contributions to the welfare system while still thinking my Blackness is a curse. At least Shaneequa will speak to me in the grocery store.

Something to consider, however: none of us was a slave. None of the white folk we know owned any. You may not like John the next cube over but believe me, he's not owning any plantations. This isn’t about the past, but who is accountable now.

No, I want my brethren paid, during these hard economic times, for the contributions we made to furthering this society while getting the shaft on the return on investment.

General Motors: Black tax dollars were among those that helped bail you out. Beyond that, be honest: whole divisions (Cadillac?) have been heavily subsidized by Black people for decades with no return save questionably reliable vehicles. You have fudged credit requirements and told dealers break whatever rules necessary, just put them darkies in those Escalades. Payment is due. And contributions of product to preachers ain’t acceptable. We fell for that banana in the tailpipe already.

Nike: You know I don’t care what deal Jesse struck with you. Sure, white kids wear ‘em, but every American acknowledges Black folks are the arbiters of American style. It’s part of why white supremacists dress so bad, as a statement of rebellion. Seems to me we have allowed you to keep making millions from both our direct sales and our indirect influence. Phil, I read “Swoosh: The Untold Story of Nike and the Men Who Built It.” Ante up, brotha. Don’t get me started on the athletes, mainly Black, who helped build your brand.

Hennessy: Champagne that was then distilled? Sounds like a precursor to Malt Liquor. There are far better brands of ‘yac, like Kelt, that Black folk don’t drink. Yet every Friday night, you can count on Negroes drinking up and increasing your profits. When they graduate from Colt 45, they move up to you. Recognize. Your contribution is expected, or I’ll personally lead the revolt to have Negroes switch to single malt scotch. Or better yet, abstain altogether, as my Muslim brethren do. Be real: without Black Americans, the profits of spirits manufacturers in this country would be equal to those of Steve & Barry’s over the past year. Don’t play with me. A check needs to be cut. NOW.

MAC: Time to let the cat out of the bag. Black men aren’t looking so much at their women’s face as their bodies. Baby, ditch the makeup but hit the gym for three hours a week. How much makeup you wear on your booty? But every red blooded Black American man is watching you switch by and having fantasies that would make Hugh Hefner shudder. Listen up, makeup manufacturer: we want ours. This is your last warning.

Black Hair Dressers: Ditto.

Makers of high fructose corn syrup soft drinks: Lord knows we support ya’ll. Look at the obesity epidemic? Don’t make this hard. I can make Black folk start juicing overnight, making Jack LaLane a nice profit and bankrupting you overnight.

Insurance companies: We are the most heavily insured and least paid. You hate the idea of national healthcare for more reasons than are imaginable, most of all because, dammit, it will mean no more taking our homes once our conditions from afore mentioned obesity push us into foreclosure homes after we’ve maxed out our benefits and your sharks start to sue.

Gyms with contract memberships: C'mon. We keep yall in business. You earn more from us deafulting cuz we have to work so hard for our Caddies and Nikes than you do from active members. We the most athletic people on the planet. We work out when we get time. Plus, why all your facilities in our neighborhoods got the lousiest equipment and the least cool classes? Where our racquetball courts? Why we gotta bring our own balls to hoop? If you don't want a million Black fatties who look GOOD marching on your juice bar, you better work something out.

Finally, Black radio: our music stations are exempt. History shows we like our entertainment, and honestly, only a fool believes everything he hears as entertainment is reality. Black talk radio, however? You have fed us bullshit conspiracy theories instead of real information for decades, to the tune of millions in endorsement dollars. Where are the publishing companies you could have bought from those profits? Why is it when historically Black companies are sold, you take to the airwaves begging and bitching instead of coming to the boardroom tables with bids? You owe us. We have supported you and you have only feathered your own nests, buying summer homes and expensive cars and funding your kids’ drug habits and abortions with the money we gave you to keep us informed. Don’t trip: when the axe falls, you are the first to go.

That’s reparations, JD style. I think this is a more workable plan than anything else. If you have a better idea, let me know. WE don’t want anything other groups can utilize. You gave up the casinos. We want tax free control of all concessions at professional sporting events, including all Olympic help on US soil. We also want a check. If you are the descendant of a slave, you should get a fair allotment that will allow you to boost the economy by continuing to support the industries I mentioned above.

Fair is fair.