How to Break Up with Someone

A friend of mine is in the process of breaking up with her guy. Apparently, this individual is not the type of person likely to get why she’s leaving him. He’s smart, understanding, and the like. He just isn't for her, for a variety of reasons she shared but I will hold in confidence.

One thing that I advise friends, male and female alike, is that just because someone is a good person, that does not mean they are good for you. I know the likes of Steve Harvey and Terry McMillan (neither of whom should be allowed to write relationship books, in my opinion) would argue that most people out there are on game, but that's kind of like a certain group of well heeled leaders telling folk the crime and issues in their community ain't their fault.

It just isn't so.

Don't forget to put some cash in the plate, and we'll see you next again week to tell you how none of this is your fault.

I digress. There are good men and women out here. I have beaten this drum enough over the last year. There are scum buckets of each gender out here as well. Who you continue to end up with has more to do with your selection criteria and process than either gender's seemingly inherent flaws.

That said my friend is ready to exit her relationship. I support this move simply because as my friend, that is her right to do. If you aren't happy, make a change. Having acted as both dumper and dumped enough times in my 37 years, I thought I'd offer a bit of advice to make this transition smooth, easy and law enforcement free. In the end, a relationship is emotional, but a breakup is pure business. Keep it that way.

Rule #1: No breakup booty (we are all grown...we all know it happens...we all know it seldom changes anything). Nothing is worse than having someone you need to leave alone blow your mind. Or other parts of your body.

Rule #2: No public places. Unless he is a serial killer, and that is why you are breaking up with him. If his being a serial killer has had no impact on your relationship, and you are leaving him cuz he won't wash his behind or pick up his socks, no public places.

Rule #3: No hanging up on her. It's rude and confusing. Plus it might make her cry or more than likely, say something about your mother that will drive you to commit felony assault.

Don't call and have the happy, chirpy, "Hey!" tone in your voice. You are breaking up. This is business. Use the tone you use when your friend that always borrows money calls. Not quite telemarketer/bill collector, but not "Hey what's good, Babygirl?" either.

Don't wear the cologne she loves or those jeans he just dies to see. Be fair. Dress like you're going to a funeral, or even sweats. Don't look good for a break up. It's unfair. Ugly up as much as possible. Mention your new found crack habit if necessary.

Don't say "We have to talk." People know when it's over. You really don't want to talk, you need to make a declaration. You utter those words and you create a whole lot of anxiety on both ends. You're now anxious to tell them it's over and they're anxious, already knowing what's going on, and hoping it isn't so. You have created the relational equivalent of the pee-pee dance.

Do have certified funds for whatever money they have lent you. Don't be shysty about this. They lent you the loot under the guise of ya'll being together. You are no longer togehter. Give it back. If you cannot afford it, have a realistic payback plan and their address. This is a bill. Plan on mailing in all payments. How much face to face time do you give the gas company?

Do have the sit-down in person. Word of advice, though: wear track shoes, but leave any weapons at home. Some of the dumped like to fall out and foam at the mouth, and when the law shows, you need to be able to stand a frisk.

Don't go into detail about what a great person they are. It's just they are the wrong person for you? Please. A person leaving you does not add to your self esteem. Period. Without much emotion, just express that you choose not to continue the relationship. Explanation creates room for rebuttal. Rebuttal will get you off focus. Draw a cartoon if need be, but keep conversation to a minimum.

Regardless of what they say, don't get angry. You are bearing bad news. Be understanding. Also, you are assuring them they will have to hunt elsewhere for sex. That alone can really ruin a person's day.

Some of these rules, like ingredients in any good recipe, can be modified to taste.

Understand, as you are the dumper, you are in control. It behooves you to remain calm and professional, regardless of what invective you encounter. Richard Pryor once noted when his wife left him, that he retorted, "Fine! I'ma go get some new..."

The response? "If you had three more inches you'd find new here!"

Obviously, Mrs. Pryor didn't have the luxury of reading this blog; otherwise, she would not have been fodder for multimillion dollar comedy routines for years to come.

Leave without a hug or a handshake. "Goodbye" is sufficient, "Good luck" adds a nice touch.

Resist the urge to tell this person what ended the relationship. It is not your job to build a better person for the next individual. People are who they are, and probably are not going to change. The trick is for them to find someone who loves them for their quirks. Any changes they make are probably going to be temporary, and you'll be right back at square one. Plus, this can backfire. My friend Jamal left his girl because she is overweight. She got in shape and is now a personal trainer who sleeps with all of his friends.

Once the breakup has set in, remember to avoid being in their presence while under the influence. More break-ups that are starting to solidify come undone this way.

Finally, it is best, in my opinion, to sever all contact with the person once you leave. Don't take her phone calls. Vary your daily routine. If he shows up on your doorstep, find your BB gun. The usual "get back in" is the old, "Can't we at least be friends?" No. You can't. If you really think they want friendship, try telling them about how much you enjoy sex with your new partner. Most of your friends will listen, or at least be envious. Not so in this case. Friends are usually people you haven't enjoyed naked. Remember that.

Breaking up with someone can be very hard to do, but there's no reason it can't be calm, professional, and eventually, a win-win experience for all concerned.

Oh, I almost forgot: When they win the lottery/sign a pro contract/inherit Uncle Abu's sizeable porn industry fortune, don't be funky when they refuse to take your calls. It's just business.

Also remember: if you're married and you do this, hire a lawyer. If you're engaged, prepare to enter the Witness Protection Program. I warned you.