Marriage Counseling, JD Style

You know, something either is, or it isn’t.

A recent conversation about one word set me to thinking.

In traditional marriage vows, the difference between the groom’s vows and the brides is one word:

“Obey.”

This one word caused some strife. A good friend of mine who is getting married next year made it clear she had no intention of using that word in her vows.

“It’s like, saying he’s over me, I’m bowing down to him. I’m going to listen to what he says. Like, he’s supposed to be in charge. What would my mother say?”

I listened intently.

I have known men who promised to love, honor and cherish who did anything but. I know women who have made vows who check into hotels mid-day with men who are not their husbands.

I countered that words are words.

“If you are marrying someone, then trust is everything,” I started. “Be honest: you are trusting that person won’t treat you like anything but a partner. You are trusting they will respect you as a person, as their mate. You are also trusting that where he leads will be best for all involved. It’s not about other people. You two are marrying each other, not them. The other people only coming to get drunk at the open bar. Trust is hard. Trust is like faith: you don’t see it but you have to believe it’s there. Trust isn’t about believing he’s not doing anyone else. It goes a lot deeper than that. You want to marry someone? You have to trust there is a role he has to play and that he is going to fulfill it to the best of his ability.

“If you don’t trust him, don’t marry him.”

“I trust him, “ she interjected quickly. “But what will people say?”

“First of all, it’s a word. If it bothers you, ya’ll should discuss it. No wise man loses a good woman over a word.

“But in all honesty, you not marrying ‘people’. You marrying him. Don’t you think it’s a bit crazy to going into one of the most important phases of your life worried about what your mother and girlfriends think? Please. Half your girlfriends don’t even have anybody. If he came to you worried about how you made him look in front of his boys, you’d think he was nuts and tell him to go sleep with them, because you were done.”

“I know, I know.”

“Part of the problem, as I see it, is that people want stuff but don’t want the responsibility that goes with it. I mean, I know more women who shout in church every Sunday but like to pick and choose which scriptures to follow.”

I knew a woman who was mad her husband was a momma’s boy. She hollered that “leave and cleave” doctrine til he went deaf. She reminded him at every turn for a couple of months that when you marry, you leave your parents and it becomes about you and your spouse, and you build a new family from there. You love the old, but your primary responsibility is your mate and your new family.

He saw the wisdom in that and followed her advice. When her sister had man trouble, she conveniently forgot “leave and cleave” and reminded him she had known her family before he even came on the scene.

The hip thing is this quasi return to some of the old methods of marriage. Quasi ain’t getting it, though.

I usually ride the guys pretty hard, but on this one, I’m speaking to the women.

If you purport the man is supposed to be the head of the household, then that’s the way it should be. He shouldn’t be the head when the heavy lifting is involved but be forced to abdicate whenever you want a change in routine. Don't make him teh head when the mortgage is due but try to assume control when he vetoes buying a new car.

Start being real with yourselves. This isn’t about the institution, or the unit. It may be about the ring. It may be about the wedding. It’s “time”. Your girls are getting married. He’s been sleeping with you all this time, you gotta get something in return. It may be about a bunch of things, but in too many cases, it’s about being able to say you are married and getting the benefits that come with it while doing what you want to do. I hear the complaints, “But what if he mess up X, Y Z? What if he start talking crazy? I can’t be left dealing with…”

Baby, then don’t marry him. It’s that simple.

Keep sleeping together. Go to Great America. Play Pinochle every Sunday. Beat his ass in X Box.

But forget marriage.

The way people describe marriage nowadays reminds me of a time when I was in management, interviewing candidates for a position I posted.

I remember one candidate who came in, sat down, and immediately started talking about what she could and couldn’t do, what she would and wouldn’t take. In between all of this, she kept stressing that she needed the job.

I finally asked her to let me get a word in edgewise, and said, “You know, if you work for this organization, I can promise you’ll get your money. I promise as your boss I’ll work with your schedule and fight for your promotions. You have to believe I will do those things as your boss.

“But this is a business that deals with the public. Many of the things you are saying you won’t do were clearly laid out in my ad. Being frank, if you want this job, you have to do those things.”

“Well, can’t I just…”

No. You can’t.

That’s the problem with marriage nowadays.

People want to write their own rules.

You can’t do that.

Marriage either is, or it isn’t.

It’s like that candidate. If you want THIS job, then you have to do THESE things, or it isn’t going to work.

Our society is at a point where it is allowing folk to have the role without the responsibility, and in my opinion, there is no surer recipe for failure. You can get paid for this job without really doing the work. You can be somebody’s daddy without ever setting eyes on your child. You can be somebody’s spouse without having to do the htings you vowed to do.

It’s not an “arrangement.” It’s not a situation where people come in and twist the rules to fit their favor or lifestyle. It’s not about double standards. If it is going to work, then you have to work at being fair, you have to come up with some understanding, and you need to leave other people outside of your door and business. You have to, in short, be a grown up.

It’s not high school, where if someone doesn’t do what you want when you want, it’s time to jet.

My guy’s wife got on him for smoking. Smoking is bad. She raised Cain about it. One day, he confronted her about her overeating, pointing out that more people die from heart disease than lung cancer. His message: this is some give and take. I don’t even do this at home, and you do things I don’t like. Aren’t there bigger things we could be enjoying rather than this silly power struggle? Do you need to be in charge that badly?

She’s seeing someone else now.

I think one of the reasons the divorce rate is so high is that people want the party, they want the honeymoon, they want to be able to claim they are married, but they don’t want to put in the work. It’s bigger than infidelity or disrespect. More marriages I hear about are ending because people don’t want to do the work of being married. Men don’t want to grow up and women don’t want to compromise and admit that perhaps there are some things they are not meant to run individually.

As a man, I have to check my ego at the door. If I am just with you, then it can be about me. If I marry you, the sum of the whole is greater than the parts. It’s about the marriage.

As a woman, you have to learn to work with someone. It’s not about how you appear to your peers. Any man who goes around complaining his marital responsibilities make him look like he is losing his manhood is considered a damn fool. Women who gripe about having to do the same are lauded as being independent.

If you independent, you ain’t married. Marriage is meant to be the most interdependent chosen relationship in existence.

I would gripe about the guys, and there are plenty of bad husbands, but one thing I’ve noticed: by and large, most guys are pretty trifling when it comes to marriage. I mean, gosh, they write books about it. Tyrone is willing to sleep with you, eat your cooking, watch up your cable and soak up your heat, but he won’t marry you. Uh uh. He’s not playing that one. There is some unwritten rule among a lot of guys that saying “I do” means it’s for keeps.

Are there trifling no good husbands? Yeah. Ya'll know better. This essay isn’t about them, however. I got one I’m gonna call out REAL good in the near future.

This is about a really good woman who is headed into a marriage with a decent guy worrying more about what other women will think than about how the two of them can reach some understanding.

I love my friend. I told her to think about it and talk to her guy. If she had any second thoughts, don’t do it. Marriage is too serious to go into worried about such silly things. They’d both be more thankful in the long run if they called it off, as opposed to having to hire lawyers later.

Last I heard, I’ll be at her wedding in April.