The Beginning of Domesticity

“Hooooooooooooooooooooneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey?”

“What?”

“Come give me a hand with this, please…”

“Wait…this was YOUR project. I didn’t even co-sign on this… Trying to read my book on Nigerian dictators.”

“Just hush and hold this end…this bathroom looks atrocious. I bet Nigerian dictators have housekeepers…How you two do anything in here…”

“This is a MAN’s bathroom.”

“I see…I feel like I should just throw a gallon of bleach in there and come back in an hour. This is ridiculous. Don’t you two clean this tub?"

Pause.

“It came in that color.”

“What about that rug?”

“Matched set. Tub and rug. Off-slate-grey.”

“With streaks of white? When was the last time you scrubbed that tub? Not just ran over it with comet and the shower. SCRUBBED? What, did you bathe the dogs in here the other day?”

Pause.

“Whenever you last scrubbed it. I think when you came out in May. For the record, no. The dogs don’t like the tub. They’re scared of deep water. Rudy got his fur caught in the…forget it.”

“Aw mah gawd. That is ridiculous! You raise a child with your bathroom…forget it…we’re taking this down.”

“You can’t. That’s me and J’s bachelor shower curtain…it’s cool black…”

“I got you a new curtain and shower liner.”

“What I need a LINER for?”

“So you don’t get water on the floor…”

“You notice the floor is cleaner that the tub? Geez…Wait, I’m not putting this up…”

“Why not?”

“It has DUCKS on it! I am a grown man! My son does karate! We got three dogs! I ain’t havin’ no duckie shower curtain.”

“Hush…why can’t I get this through?”

“Let me see…for this to be your project, you sure seem a bit lost…perhaps we should put the black one back up…”

“No. This has a liner…and those are not ducks…they are…”

“Dolphins? Dolphins are even worse than DUCKS…”

“Hush…”

“Yah, just when I start playin’ the dozens with my guys, I gotta hear, ‘Ok, my momma may look like Robin Harris, but my ass ain’t got no duck shower curtain…’ You call this love?”

“Does your mother come here? And it looks like this?”

With pride. “She won’t use the bathroom here. Says it is too cluttered. Comic books, magazines. Phone chargers. That’s my BB gun in the corner. All I need is a TV…Well, I did. Now I got this shower curtain. A whole entertainment wall couldn’t offset that…what is that smell?”

“Hush…What…do you use a BB gun for in the bathroom?”

“Kills the time…you should try it…Ewww. That smell…that shower curtain is made out of PLASTIC? Are you for real? Aw, man! I think I got polyeuretheyne poisoning! This isn’t right…”

“ Hush. I am not bathing here until we make some changes…The first time I came here I looked at your living room, fine. Bedroom…fine…books everywhere, but fine. I looked in here and thought, ‘Oh, girl, he’s a keeper. There’s no way he is creeping with another woman and he has a bathroom like this. Baby, Nikki won’t even come in here…”

“Nikki is a dog…”

“I rest my case. No female of any species with self respect would be caught dead in here.”

“Yeah, OK… You could have gotten something a bit more exciting. They didn’t have any shower curtains with guns? Or sports cars?”

“Hush.”

“What about sharks? Dolphins? And it looks like they are dancing? Dag. Next thing you know, you’ll be expecting me to put up those curtains my mom and aunts bought me.”

“I talked to your mom about that. She asked if they were still in the package behind your bed. I said, ‘Girl, they are still in the BAG…’ Those are next…”

“What’s the rush? I just got them last Thanksgiving.”

“Honey, it’s Labor Day. Here. Hold this while I…”

“This sucks. J is gonna be mad. He really like this the way it was.”

“Baby, please. I caught him weeping tears of joy that time we stayed at the hotel. He walked by the bathroom, looked in, and broke down.”

“Yeah, OK. So, what? Why is my new rug blue?”

“Look at your old one and answer your own question.”

"A man doesn't have to stand for this..."

"Is your daddy a man?"

"Damn right."

"What color is his bathroom?"

Pause.

"Pink. But it's only that color because my mom said she liked it. He made a compromise. She got everything in pink. He got cool sliding glass doors. And soap on a roap. He held out for that soap on a rope. No dolphins for him. He asserted his manliness."

"Hush. I've seen your father clean a house. He asserted his sense of being civilized. Hand me that soap dish with the frog on it and stop looking like I just shot your best friend."