Leadership: My New Career Path

I have decided, after much deliberation, to become a Black leader.

For those who are about to rise in indignation, gnashing teeth and calling me all types of sell-out, I can only counter: the world cannot be worse off with one more person labeled, even dubiously so, as a leader of Africans in America. Besides, this economy is the pits. I am an educated Black man forced to suffer my third pay cut in a decade, while my Comcast installation tech makes more in an hour than I do in a week. Black leadership pays well. The hours appear long but the perks many. I should have applied for this job years ago.

What kind of Black leader shall I be? Decisions, decisions.

I have decided to not go the Afrocentric route. I have no intention of changing my name, greeting folk with “HoTep!” and wearing flowing garb. The African businessmen that I know look smart in their tailored Saville Rowe suits, and as I am trying to lose weight, I need to avoid any garment that will make me resemble a tribal version on Big Bird.

Furthermore, I cannot see the sense in changing my name. It is the name of my father, and was the name of his uncle. Two men that are more responsible for my understanding responsibility, strength and individuality than any name I could pull randomly out of a book. Belonging to nothing outside of the Marine Corps, my father managed to do his thing in corporate America for over thirty years, educating two boys and threatening a wife of four decades with a longevity that might outlast her in their twilight years. No. I have inspiration enough for my name.

I will discourage my followers from changing their names as well. I have been rereading Malcolm X’s autobiography since I was eleven. I have been reading “Up from Slavery” since I was 18. One person says slaves were given their surnames by their masters. The other says that after Emancipation, slaves chose the surnames they liked best of the Caucasians they admired. The truth is somewhere in between, although, having been a slave, Washington may be the more credible source. Regardless, as a new leader, I have to count on the illiterate as making up much of my base, initially. No need confusing the natives further trying to get them to spell something new.

Sadly, no matter how hard I wanted to be something else between 16-22, the reality is that I am an American. I have yet to visit Africa, though I am going one day. Even as an American that cannot always get a fair shake from a structure that still counts on my taxes, I know there are still some Mexicans and Eastern Europeans dying to have the birthright I take for granted. Real talk. If we could only give the Haitians a chance to sneak across our borders so they could get that chance… That’s another day. I’ll lead them later.

Anyway, I have ruled out the Afrocentric leadership style, but I will lift one tenet from its platform: the ability to use a bunch of words that truly mean nothing and apply them to useless situations. From time to time, I will exhort my followers to remember slavery is the root of their every problem. I have no intention of helping them return to Africa, though. What businessman willingly sends his clientele halfway across the globe? Please.

Pros: African cuisine. African women are fine as all get out. Cons: You will more than likely only fool pregnant Shaniqua from 43rd with your ruse. Makeba from Soweto will see you for the nut job you are. Contrary to popular belief, “African” ain’t a language…

I have also decided against the “religious” leader template. This term is in quotes for a reason. Being one of these race leaders, apparently, requires neither a church nor any openly religious behavior. It plays on the fact that American Black folk have mistakenly accorded anyone with the title “Reverend” the automatic respect due teachers, parents and Taraji Henson. The title allows you to insert yourself in places where the laity are not allowed, and enjoy the fruits of your overwhelmingly female followership. Several of these leaders exist in America, supposedly taking a page from the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, who rightfully used the model of Christian brotherhood as a means of forcing people to realize we are all God’s children. That was original recipe Black religious leader. New, extra crispy Black religious leadership appears more interested in impregnating subordinates, staging rallies that no one watches (an exercise in futility only matched in genius by that of the Afrocentric leader) and damn near derailing presidential campaigns. Although that last one may have been on point. I think he was actually on the up and up.

Where I come from, you can play with many things, but not God. I’m not touching this one.

Pros: Black folk will follow you anywhere and accept anything from you. No questions asked. Also, the money is good. Visiting preacher types get love offerings that can pay for luxury cars and exotic mistresses, and you can earn millions in speaking honoraria for two hours of saying little and meaning less. And you don’t have to tithe it back to your church, as…you don’t have one. These folks have the best houses and cars. Your kids are guaranteed success. Cons: Don’t run for president. Also, the deepest depths of hell are reserved for…

I thought about this one for a while, but I can’t do the Young Educated Leader to Be, either. This is an educated Black person in his or her thirties who, usually through mass medium, has convinced folk that attention and fame are equal to power. They use buzzwords like “the struggle” and like reminding people of how lousy the system is. I am in agreement. Sometimes the system can suck. It seems a mite hypocritical, however, to criticize the same system that extended you low interest loans and grants to pay for the education that helped make you rich…These young so called leaders seek the approval of the second string “leaders” of yesterday, and are happy to sub on their call in shows and show up at the empty rallies mentioned before. Somehow, they never know when the jealous oldies are playing them…

“This is old Religious leader on the microphone live from Hell…today we are protesting the devil has the fires too hot, especially in the Black section of Hades…to help articulate this we have Young Educated Leader to Be on the Phone…Young brother, are you there?”

“Yes, Big Brother! I am broadcasting from Darktown here in hell…babay, it is HOT! Let me tell you! Big Brother, I want to give a good shout out to you and all the brothas from the struggle!”

“You suck. Yes, we were there, we were there! Young brotha, is it hot down there?”

“Yes, it is, but I am sooo happy you sent me down here so I could be a part of real Blackness! Education notwithstanding, Hell is HOT! Y’know, Big Brotha, we keep it real!”

“Nappy head. You talk like a white boy. Yeah, Keep yo’ bleep real away from my audience…Back after this…Little Brother, are you frying? Be sure you turn over now and get coated evenly!”

Being played aside, I like the idea of this type of leadership for vain reasons. The young are beautiful, and for just a little while longer, I am still one of them. I can don my dark glasses, cool leather coat and present more radical chic than those real leaders of yesteryear: Huey, Elaine and Kathleen. Plus, this is the one type of leadership where my lack of Ebonics understanding is a plus. It only proves my authenticity. Of course, I will have to drastically alter my fashion sense and succumb to wearing ugly, loud colored suits with way too many buttons. Sadly, these folk have the education and the skills necessary to make real advances for their people. Let’s be honest: we are not collectively in a wilderness needing Joshua to lead us out. Many of us are stuck in the abysses of our minds and behaviors, and the example set by these achievers could set a good, “If I can do it, you can, too!” example. Because these folk are so pitifully looking to be led, however, they can’t be of much use to themselves, much less anyone else.

I can’t do it. Leadership requires that you listen, but you don’t kowtow to anyone. These guys might be more effective if they stopped riding other guys’, uh, bandwagons. These guys went from jocking civil rights leaders to Obama to Lord knows whoever is next…

Pros: When your tenure as a never-quite-there leader is done, a fat lobbying or communications job awaits. Cons: Once a nerd, always a nerd. You are still that kid who wanted everyone to like him in fifth grade. And it shows.

I’m stuck. Honestly, I believe so called Black leaders work for a living. Garnering all of that press attention is a full time job. As far as results? Well…Other ethnic groups seem to never get the press coverage but move further ahead, faster, and at less of an expense to the collective. I prefer to earn a living using my communication skills and (hopefully) good looks to do some good for folk. The precedent has been set. People who do this kind of work have nice homes, big cars, and kids who become congressmen.

Is that too much for me to want, too?

Perhaps, I could be like the Homey King…