As a writer, I often shy away from covering topics mentioned on another blog. I was reading a post on blacksnob.com (let me disclose: I recently did a guest post for the site, which was an honor for me. That Belton gal is on to something) about the flap over Alicia Keys dating soon-to-be-divorced Swizz Beats.
Infidelity is a cut and dry issue. Divorce is not. If you have agreed to monogamy, whether you are dating, seriously involved, or married, there are certain rules you should follow. When someone in a relationship utters the expression, “It’s not like I’m married”, that is a dead giveaway they cannot be trusted. When you get with someone, respect for yourself dictates that you be honest and put your best foot forward. Otherwise, why waste your time?
Humor and sarcasm aside, I am an individual that loves, feels, and tries to understand. I believe in relationships. I have learned that life is messy. Humans are, well, human. Things happen that sometimes have no explanation. While we want to believe that justice will be done, there is no guarantee. We have to live through it.
I have been through the divorce process, and suffice it to say I empathize with Swizz Beats’ wife. I filed and pursued my divorce because it was obvious that relationship was dead. This wasn’t about fault. There is always enough to go around. This wasn’t about right or wrong. This was about my mental health, and putting myself in a position to move forward with the rest of my life.
People who have never been divorced have very strange perceptions of the process. In short, lawyers get together and determine who owes what, who will pay what, and how often. That’s it. While God and family mattered when you said, “I do”, only money matters when you say, “I’m done.” The system has no interest in anything it can neither tax nor collect.
That being said, the concept of waiting to date until the ink on the divorce papers is dry is a naive one. You have moved forward long before you retain an attorney. If there were public defenders for divorce courts, perhaps I could understand restraint. As long as you have to come up with large loot while still paying your bills on a reduced household income, however, time restraints are unrealistic. It is safe to say that when the other party moves on, so should you, provided you are healthy enough to do so. Waiting for the day some judge has set aside his morning 9 holes to sign off on your case is stupid. My divorce was stalled for months when the other party stopped paying her lawyer. That I should not live until someone irresponsible gets around to paying their bills is asinine. Life is too short for that.
Y'know, infidelity and selfishness are not gender specific. I know people of both sexes who have put significant others through school, raised kids from their past relationships and been financial saviors, only to have their person take up with someone new. It happens. Relationships deal with people, and people can be awful wrong sometimes. You can't stop living because of that. The trick is to rely on faith, get back on the horse, and ride that sucker until you get it right. To paraphrase something I heard at a meeting once, it works if you are willing to work it.
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