Inside Conservative Talk Radio

Inside Conservative Talk Radio

“…B Radio Network, with talent on loan from…’scuse me folks…just a minute. No, we’ve used that doctor already. Well, if that’s his idea…I don’t think it’s illegal…I’m just getting multiple opinions…I’m trying to broadcast here…OK folks, I’m back. This is El…beg pardon, folks, just need to take care of some housekeeping here. We’ll be right back after this break…

“Wow. Mondays are the worst. Say, Hon? Do you have any water? These go down better with brandy, but I have my rules. Never before noontime. No, a handful is not too many. They’re not really addictive…I just like the taste. You doing ok, Hon? That’s a lovely dress. Why, thank you, how nice of you to say. I want you to know what an asset we think you are here at the ol’ EI…back on the air?

“Mega greetings, ditto heads! You know who this is and we know why we’re here. I just can’t get these Libs. The Magic Negro gets voted into office, and now they want to reform the government. There’s no need for reform. Eight years of conservative presidency left us with all the reform we need. Gas prices have stabilized around $2.00. The war in Iraq is over. Afghanistan is a wonderful vacation spot, the Amsterdam of the Ottoman Empire. We’re still trying to figure out how to spend the Clinton era budget surplus. Unemployment is nil…if the Magic Negro were an Enchanted Caucasian, he’d still be home in Chicago playing with his kids and hanging out with terrorists impersonating award-winning educators. The only reason he won was because he’s Black. Let’s just say it. We have merely extended our fascination with things Black beyond short musicians and corn rowed circus freaks that can put a ball through a hoop. I mean, he’s smart and articulate, sure. What good will that do when he has to sit down and communicate with foreign leaders? Back in a minute, here on the shiny microphone…

“Phone call? Sure. Hi, Shawn. Now look, we’ve been through this…excuse me for a moment, Shawn…Dear, can you help me with this bottle? Darned childproof caps. Perhaps, just this once, a teeny jot before noon? Just three shots should help these go down easier. Can you do that for big daddy? I love your dress…OK, Shawn, I’m back. Look, I’m sorry. There’s nothing I can do. I know your ratings are suffering, but this is a business, Buddy. I’ve said it before, there’s only one me. You…Ken…that Savage animal…you can’t do me. We had a good thing, the roller coaster did it’s ride… there just isn’t enough room for more than one me anymore…I’m sorry Shawn…call Ollie North…Well, geez, Shawn, you spent 7 out of 8 years defending the guy, and look what he did to the country! Then you wanna put a knife in his back election year…Back on air. Gotta go…Tell Rupert hi for me…

“Let’s go to the phones. Greetings from Mark in Matteson, Illinois. Ditto, my friend…”

“Ditto!. I’m a Black man from Illinois, and I just want to say that I didn’t vote for Obama…”

“As well you shouldn’t. It’s refreshing to hear from you people when you understand independent thought…Clarence Thomas, is not alone.”

“I mean, he’s a Muslim terrorist. My white neighbors all voted for him, but I didn’t. My McCain sign’s still out front. He’s gonna let Israel get bombed off the map. Hey, could you say something nice to me? My wife and kids are looking at me real funny, and I need some approval right about now.”

“No, my friend. You have the right idea, and they never did get to the bottom of that Muslim thing. The liberal media just focused on his association with the Reverend Doctor Jeremiah Always Wrong, himself guilty of once wearing an afro and dashiki, and let the whole Muslim thing slide. Keep up the good fight, Tom.”

“Mark.”

“Whatever. Greetings from Idaho. Go ahead, Ulysses Dick.”

“I truthfully just think the whole liberal establishment has discombobulated their bowel movements and don’t understand the regurgitation effect of pabulated unum. I made $23,250 last year under George Bush, the most I’d ever made, and I finished my elementary schooling using my tax checks to pay for my education by correspondence course. As a white man, and I’ll say it, white and proud…”

“As well you should be…”

“As a white man, I completely identified with Bush. He was from Texas, he grew up just like me. He wore cowboy boots. This Osama guy they got at 1600 Pennsylvania right now? Everything handed to him. The product of some exclusive Ivy League schools…Wasn’t his dad vice president or something?”

“Yes, he was. New research is coming out showing his father was secretly vice president of Africa…”

“I KNOW…we were better off with Bush…I didn’t mind paying four bucks a gallon to fill up my Tundra…I was paying for freedom.”

“Indeed. Good talking to you, U. Dick, keep listening. Folks, back after this break!”

“Truthfully, I don’t think the guy is that bad, but I gotta eat, and health insurance companies have cancelled all my prescription coverage…pass me that bottle…no, you can get it in suspension form now, too…Quicker rush…no pun intended…if we can get nationalized health care under this guy, I may be able to do rehab free…or better yet, get my stuff refilled for free…anywhere in the country…C’mere, Hon…married? Oh, you know how that goes…it didn’t work…a few of times…no, it was their fault…Perhaps I just need the right woman. Truthfully, you’re right pretty. You look like Taraji Henson with a little bit of Alicia Keys mixed in below the waist…How bout it? By the way, do you have prescription drug coverage?

“Oh my gosh! Has the mike been open for all of these breaks!?”